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If I told you once, I’ve said it a thousand times. And if I’ve said it once then I’ve at least told you once. Because in order to tell someone something you have to say something and if you say something then you’re telling someone something. Unless of course you are talking to yourself; in which case you know you’ve been told because you said it. Regardless of who told you what, I’ll tell you probably not one last time. “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead” is available at Barnes & Noble for the ridiculously reasonable low price of only $13.94. Thirteen dollars and ninety-four cents is a reasonable price to pay for a book that may save your ridiculous life. In addition, it’s a great addition to any bookshelf or pile of survival manuals in the back of your closet and makes a great coffee-table conversation piece.

Right now it seems almost unbelievable that not so long ago these books were flying off the shelves with no provocation from myself. The world as a whole was swept up in zombie mania. Movies, television shows, video games, Nerf guns, baby clothes etc., all sponsoring and profiting from the rise of the undead. What does it say about our society that the zombie apocalypse was a trend for nearly a decade? An event which entails the end of civilization, corpses walking and human beings given license to kill each other became an acceptable and welcome pop culture phenomenon. A bright flash in the pan that sizzled and popped like fresh bacon for years and has finally fizzled out to an inedible burnt crisp. Bid a fond farewell to the best conversations you’ve ever had ­— about how and where you’d survive and who you’d want with you if you did…when and if you do. Yes, the fad may be gone but the threat lives on.

It’s interesting to note that anytime anyone participates in one of these “trendy” post-apocalyptic conversations they always see themselves as a survivor. Guess they’d have to, because if you don’t survive there’s not much to talk about; zombies don’t think and memoirs of a lifeless dead body aren’t that enthralling. Realistically though, in order for an event to qualify as being “apocalyptic” it must result in an extremely high, borderline extinction level, decrease in the general population, which means that your chances of being a survivor are slim and none.

So why wouldn’t you survive a zombie apocalypse? Let’s first inquire that of those who think they’ll survive because it’s trendy to do so. Just because you think you’ll survive doesn’t mean you will — you don’t get to choose. How long can people, whose primary concern is their version of “what’s trending in the world” via their devices, last when said devices no longer function? If you can’t survive without your phone how long would you last without power or basic provided services? Before long that blank look you constantly have now staring at those little screens will be accompanied by a craving for flesh, guts and brains.

“Whoo-hoo! We’re gonna go out and kill some zombies!!!” this being the most probable logic of many potential “survivors”. Hate to tell you this, but no, you’re not. The first time you see another human being literally devouring another human being will suck all the fun right out of it. Could you really kill someone or a former someone? With what? Do you have any type of weapon viably useful in slaying a dead people, that you actually know how to slay a dead people with? Consider this: if an apocalyptic event means that 98% of the population is dead and rising, do you really think you and the rest of the 2% stand a chance taking them on? Add to that, even if you were a successful slayer, with that many people to kill it’d get monotonous real quick.

Oh, so you’re a survivalist and you’ve got all your gear and provisions stored safely away in your backyard bunker. You’re not going to take on the undead world but hideout till it’s all over (good plan). So surely you’ll be a survivor…right. Well that depends on where you are when the s*** hits the fan. Unless you live day in and out in that safe house, what do you do if you can’t get to it? Can you stay alive long enough to get to it? What if you get to it and it’s already got? Many survivalists only survive if there’s advanced warning and they have time to get to their survive place. Gotta learn to think on your feet and make do with what’s present if you wanna survive.

Regardless of whom you are, whether you’re an obsessive online dreamer, imaginative thrill-seeker or conservative self-preservationist, we all like to think we’ll survive an end of the world (rapture not included). Whether we want to suffer the trials and tribulations the end may bring, we all want to believe we’ll be within that 2% chance ratio. We think this way because we can’t picture the world without us in it. When we are dead to the world the world will be dead to us, but when the world is dead we must survive to keep it alive. You’re probably not going to make it any way, but I’ll think of you when I’m gone.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com .

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

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