chainsaw_header“…to look a lot like Christmas…everywhere you go! Take a look at the five and ten, it’s glistening once again. With candy canes and silver lanes that glo-o-ow!”

“Umm, excuse me…” “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas – toys in every store!“ “Umm helloooo…” “But the prettiest sight to see… is the holly that will be… on your own front door!”

“Dude! Don’t ignore me…” “A pair of Hop-a-long boots, and a pistol that shoots is the wish of Barney and Ben.” “Hey… wait… NO. FOCUS Newspaper does not encourage nor endorse the gifting of firearms to children — (you’ll shoot your eye out kids!)” ‘Dolls that’ll talk and will go for a w…” “Hey d***it, that’s enough of that! What the Helsinki Sweden do you think you’re doing?”

There’s a stranger at the keys; wearing elf shoes with jingle bells on the toes. Santa pants and the ugliest LED lit X-mas sweater featuring Miley Cyrus twerking on a wrecking X-mas ball. There’s blinky lights strung around his neck. He’s got the entire census of the North pole on his stupid looking head: elf ears, reindeer antlers and a Santa hat… can you say overkill?

At my behest the festive frankincense and fruitcake fragrant fellow’s fondling fingers find friction and falter. “How did you get in here?” I inquire. “Well a right jolly little yellow bear fella, carrying a lobster, met me at the door.” he replied jovially, “Said he was taking his crustacean for a walk and to make myself at home… so I did.”

John Q. strikes again. “Okay, fair enough, but why are you writing in my column space?” I ask. “Why to spread Christmas cheer of course,” he retorts, smiling, “tis the season to be jolly and it’s the most wonderful time of the year!” “That’s a matter of opinion,” I scorn, “and it’s a little too early in the season to determine wonderful levels. Pre-Christmas cheer is highly overrated!”

“Well that seems rather hypocritical, coming from someone who keeps a flying reindeer in their barn year round.” he says with an umm hmm wink. “Dude, that reindeer is dead!” He gasps in horror and gets a — hold on; let me explain before you lose your X-mas cookies, hand gesture. “I didn’t kill it. It was dead when I got it (“got it?” ­— the damned thing wouldn’t leave, John Q. kept giving it pumpernickel scones). It’s a zombie reindeer,” I continued, “a leftover refugee from when I saved the North Pole from an undead apocalypse a few years back.”

“So let me get this straight,” he says ponderingly puzzled, “you obviously present a dislike for the holiday season but you “saved Christmas?” “Numerous holidays on numerous occasions actually,” I reply nonchalantly. His face is filled with confused accusation, “I don’t understand. If you don’t like the holidays then WHY on earth would you save them?” “Because somebody has to,” I reply, “besides, most of it showed up here!” “For the record,” I continue, “nobody ever said anything about disliking the holidays themselves.”

He looks at me utterly baffled. “So if not the holidays… what is it you dislike so strongly about the holiday season?” “All this,” I respond gesturing to his garb, “the shallowness and the rushed mistiming of it all…”

“Every year X-mas is pushed further and further up the calendar. Trick-or-treaters are collecting their candy by X-mas lights to the tune of “Come All Ye Faithful” as opposed to monster mashing. Families are forgoing the Thanksgiving meal, merging it with the X-mas feast.

Black Friday sales are starting earlier and lasting entire months. Consumerism has consumed Christmas. All of this wrapped in a faux festiveness! All of this as a result of people pursuing that classical pure joy and true holiday cheer … to no avail; because they never truly commit to contribute enough of themselves to it. But by all means, keep pushing my friend. Just remember: the harder you push something, the further away it gets.”

He looks deflated and thoughtful. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I say sympathetically as I lead him to the door, “I have a column to write and don’t expect to see you again for at least another month!”

NEXT WEEK: We don’t eat our turkey stuffed with figgy pudding!


I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya.