1:30am, April 19, 2019 – Good Friday morning. The day itself is irrevocably irrelevant; as to whether it was to be a good or bad Friday was yet to be seen. It was too early in the day to tell. As far as the biblical implications attached to this particular Friday they bore no pertinence.
In truth the time, date and religious aspects of the day had little or nothing to do with the event. It could have occurred any day, anytime or anywhere, for that matter, and none of these constrictions would have applied or even mattered. Would they have had an effect had the circumstances been different? Perhaps not, perhaps so; it’s impossible to know, but in most such cases they do not. The important thing is that the event was recognized for what it was (or wasn’t) it was remembered and can be logged and categorized by known means as to have actually happened. Not that knowing when something happens means it actually did but it makes it easier to discuss.
At 1:30am EST consciousness intervened upon what was otherwise the downhill run of a good night’s sleep. Suddenly, and without warning, finding myself inexplicably, irrationally and comprehensively awake. This was not a gentle waking, the kind where one slowly rides the escalator of life back from the land of sawed logs. No this was instantaneous — one moment deep in the throes of R.E.M. the next — alert and aware in the waking world with nary a blink or yawn to mark its passage.
Fully physically awake, a silent hope goes out that it is at least post 5:30am, which is usual standard waking time. Feeling that at this level of consciousness how could it not be. Sadly the hour falls four hours short of the bare minimum, leaving one to wonder why they are cognizant at all.
Moonlight, filtered by wafting cloud cover, dully illuminates the bedroom. Penetrating the darkness just enough to give shape and form to everything, but definition to nothing at all. The silence is deafening and is broken from within.
“It’s the shoes! They arrived today in a mysterious package which was left outside the garage.” Interrupted – No, no they didn’t! We ordered them on EBay! “Yes, and what a deal – They may be slightly used but the seams are intact, the laces are good and there’s little wear on the soles.” Sometimes my conscious mind wanders and I’ll let it go to see where it leads. After several minutes of admirable shoe quality the one-sided conversation is abandoned. Left in the bed as a trip to the facilities may answer and satisfy the need to be awake.
No dice, perhaps something to drink or a cigarette? This strange sense of awakening will not abate and all the while my mind subtly pushes thoughts of shoes. It’s almost as if my mind is trying to hint at something. Something that if addressed directly will dissipate before I’m even aware it’s there. Almost too late the direction it’s pointing is realized.
Crawling back under the covers, defeated and desperate to retain some rest, it slowly dawns on me. Looking up towards the ceiling as the deafening sound of absolute silence falls all around. Why am I awake? What am I waiting for, looking for, longing for? The shoes, seams, laces, eyelets, the cloth, the rubber, the canvas, the sole… All alone and by myself – sole searching.
The words from a past article from weeks gone by resonate in my mind – It’s those nights you lay alone in bed, staring desperately at the ceiling. Visibly in the foreground, but feeling like you’re simply a part of the background action. It’s the realization of finding yourself existing on a different plane of existence. It is…very hard to explain: And yet here I find myself in the midst of it.
Being here, in this state of mind (of being) and being mindfully aware of being here can’t be healthy for the psyche. Consciously attempting to rationalize the subconscious before one becomes aware the other is there, the quest for understanding is all powerful. And then the mistake, a simple one to be sure, but it only takes a moment, the draw of a breath…the blink of an…
5:35am, April 19, 2019 – Good Friday morning. The rest of the day will be spent holding onto fleeting memories of a moment that may not have even existed and chasing thoughts I can’t remember thinking… waiting for another endless night.
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!