One of the most frustrating, mind-boggling and not really thought through, borderline stupid questions asked of me as a contributing writer to this fine piece of newsprint is, “Why doesn’t Have Chainsaw Will Travel contain captivating columns covering currently circulating BIG NEWS stories?” (Specifically they’re referring to information regarding the hurricane, which is currently still possibly heading our way). The explanation is simple, logically obvious and has been explained here numerous times (“here” as in, within this column, not “here” pertaining to where you are now currently reading this column). However, we will take pause for a moment and for those of you in the cheap seats who never really pay attention, I shall restate once again.
This column is composed and submitted for review and editing on Sunday. It is then reviewed and edited on Mon/Tues, sent to print on Wednesday to be ready for distribution on Thursday. So it won’t be read by the reader (that’s you) until four days (or more) after it is actually written by the writer (that’s me). So what does this mean in consideration of a hurricane that’s possibly occurring on a Tuesday (two days from now for me, two days ago for you)?
Well a column speaking of how to prepare for or survive a hurricane is pointless because by now the hurricane is over. So we can assume that you either prepared for, or simply survived it, or you wouldn’t be reading this now. We can’t very well surmise what’s happening during the hurricane because it’s not Tuesday yet. Finally we can’t discuss what to do after you’ve survived the hurricane, because you haven’t survived it yet…well you have “now” obviously but on my end your survival is still questionable.
So as you can see, attempting to discuss the not-yet, already over hurricane would be impossible, pointless and foolish. Luck for you here at HCSAWWT we specialize in impossibly pointless foolishness. That said, in an attempt to fully cover the situation, we shall view it from a “then” and “now” perspective. “Then” being now for me as it’s being written which would be the past for you and “Now” being later for me and the present for you as you’re reading. If you find that a bit confusing, rest assured, so do I.
Then: So why is it that people that survive on three soft drinks and one large sweet tea from Mickie D’s a day suddenly need 10 cases of water to survive a hurricane? Now: So…you’ve got lots of water? What are you planning on doing with it, bathing? It’s commendable that you want to feel fresh following a natural disaster, but there are people who actually need it to…ya know…drink!
Then: You do realize that unless you’re on well water you’ll still have running water if the power’s out? Now: Hmmm…no running water. That means things just went from serious to apocalyptic. Then: Why are you buying all the bread? You never eat bread. Now: Bread and water huh? So you want to survive and dine like prisoners of yore? Then: Wow, you brought all your gas cans and a 50 gallon drum to fill up at the gas station, denying many people of just a tank-full. Hopefully you plan on using that gas to be able to drive to others’ aid and fuel your chainsaw to help clear road debris should it occur. Now: The crisis is over and now you’ve got gas. Hope you stocked up on some Tums, too…they help with stomach pains due to guilt. Then: Oh, you’ve turned your basement into a storm shelter. With all the bottled water and gas cans is there still room for people? Now: So… torrential rains… basement flooded… that sucks… your bread’s getting all soggy. Then: You’re going to stay outside so you can watch the hurricane and experience the storm’s natural beauty? Now: Those things sticking out of you are called debris… consider it nature’s souvenirs. Then: Do you know they won’t allow pets in most storm shelters? Now: The term “animal shelter” is so misleading. Then: There’s no need for violence! We should all be working together to handle this crisis. There’s no need to bring a gun to the gas station! Now: OK guys, that other guy, the one with the gun, is holed up in his basement with all that hoarded gas and water- nice of him to stockpile it in one place for us. Let’s get him. Violence will beget violence my friends, and karma is truly a bitch. Then: You know you can’t run from a hurricane. Now: Look at this: a post card from Idaho…well I guess you can.
Hopefully by the time you’re reading this the storm has passed and you can enjoy a little twisted humor. Regardless of whether it’s “Then” or “Now” or every now and then this writer hopes you are reading this right now safe, sound and with a smile on your face.
I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!