“Though the fad may be gone, the undead shamble on.”
“It’s beginning to look a-poc-a-lyp-tic… everywhere you go. Take a look how the virus spreads, it’s raising up the undead — with coffin lids and severed limbs in tow-oh-oh! It’s beginning to look a-poc-a-lyp-tic… empty aisles in every store. But the scariest sight to see… is the zombie that will be… at your own front door!”
It’s simultaneously hilarious and terrifying that our modern, self-centered society bases its threat assessment on what’s currently “trending”. If it’s not politically practical, publicly popular or presenting a platform to post something that generates “likes” on social media, then it’s not a problem. Got a bit of reality for you — the flesh-eating undead don’t care if you like them or not.
“A pair of combat boots and a pistol that shoots is the wish of women and men. Zombies don’t talk but the undead can walk, so get your cardio in. And Mom and Dad got bit, so don’t you let them rise again!”
Now what does an un-trending zombie outbreak have to do with the holiday season? Well, I’m glad you asked. We have viruses — new, old and unknown — drifting about and those overcrowded shopping centers and family gatherings are a perfect incubator for some nasty stuff. How long before a sinus infection evolves into a virus that can kill and reanimate?
“It’s beginning to look a-poc-a-lyp-tic… everywhere you go. There’s a horde at the Cheap Motel, undead in the park as well. They’re the fast kind so don’t you move too slow-oh-oh…”
We can assume most of you regular readers, who are wise to the possibility of a yuletide outbreak, already have machetes and incendiary bombs on your Santa list. If not, or you’re one of those who enjoys “last minute” shopping, here is a list (check it twice) of items, reminders and advice, set to a familiar tune, to help you and yours have a brains-not-eaten holiday experience.
On the first day of the outbreak my true love gave to me…
One Zombie Survival Guide complete: This is a necessary no-brainer. Which is what you’ll be if you find yourself without one when the outbreak begins.
Two Firearms: A light weight, high-powered rifle with scope is your best bet. A sidearm is advised for a secondary weapon. So you can shoot other survivors who try to steal your stuff.
Three close friends: If you’re gonna survive you don’t wanna do it alone. In addition, most zombie apocalypse survival video games suggest a multiplayer group of 4 for successful gameplay.
Four wheel drive: Required for off-road and over dead body travel… with bicycle backup.
Five personal things: Think hygiene – toothbrush and paste, odorless soap, wash cloth, clean underwear. No need to feel gross when on the run from the walking dead.
Six pack of water: I cannot emphasize the importance of bottled water enough. You need it and if it isn’t bottled it isn’t safe.
Seven ways of slaying! Develop multiple methods of attack. When on the defensive the same method may not work twice.
Eight packs of batteries: You’re gonna need light, so a flashlight is a must. Take extra batteries so you’ll never find yourself in the dark with the dead.
911 won’t be working: you’re on your own.
Ten rounds of ammo: You’ve got guns so you’re gonna need bullets.
Eleven inch blade: Though a machete is the best option, if you have to use a knife the blade needs to be at least this long. What, you wanna try and whittle their heads off with a pocket knife?
12-gauge shotgun: Why worry about getting in a headshot when you can take off the entire head in one shot?
“It’s beginning to look a-poc-a-lyp-tic… soon the dead will rise. And the thing that’ll bring them down is Chainsaw’s advice that you’ve found — right before your eyes. It’s beginning to look a-poc-a-lyp-tic, terror is in store. Hopefully you will be, killing zombies merrily, before they break down the door. Sure, it’s Christmas once more…”
Whether it’s trending or not, some things still merit thought, attention and action. Don’t let yourself be caught out because it wasn’t the popular thing to do. Fads may come and go, but survival shouldn’t be one of them.
I welcome almost all questions, and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused! See ya.