“Any person who denies experiencing even an inkling of fear is an outright liar or a consummate fool.” (Quoted from- Chainsaw…just last week actually.)
“Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand. Creatures crawl in search of blood, to terrorize y’all’s neighborhood. And whosoever shall be found without the soul for getting down. Must stand and face the hounds of hell and rot inside a corpse’s shell. The foulest stench is in the air, the funk of forty thousand years and grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom. And though you fight to stay alive your body starts to shiver, for no mere mortal can resist the evil of The Thriller!”- (Quoted from the original master of terror Vincent Price (R.I.P. 1911-1993) and Michael Jackson’s (R.I.P. 1958-2009) Thriller (circa 1982).
It is truly tragic that in our modern society most people have never experienced the full original version of The Thriller, which concludes with this dark rap sequence and maniacal laughter by Mr. Price. When Thriller gets air time this segment isn’t acknowledged and often cut out altogether. Actually it’s kind of racist in a way. Not in the sense of Vincent Price being white and Michael Jackson being black…sometimes. Rather it’s racist against the true horrific design of the song’s intentions, replacing the intended terror with a cool zombie dance sequence. There is only one time of year one can hope to hear the extended cut…Halloween.
Much like the full thrill of Thriller and classic warbling of Bobby Pickett’s “Monster Mash,” here at HCSAWT we have a ritual that runs only once a year: Ladies and gentle-ghosts, boys and ghouls, welcome to Hell-o-ween! Throughout the month of October we will trek through the darkness in search of tales to truly terrify. It’s been asked why I don’t do the same for Thanksgiving and X-mas. Well to be honest I don’t have a month’s worth of thankfulness in me and X-mas gets enough press already…so there you go.
Now without further ado let’s get the severed heads rolling. For the faint of heart we’ll work into this slowly and start off with a light dose of terror and look at things that are truly blood chillingly horrific year round. Things like…
Snakes coiled up in the coils of your garden hose. Garden hoes. Strange scantily clad women (or men) standing in your garden. Garden gnomes that seem to move around your yard. Finding out your neighbor is moving said gnomes. Your neighbors wandering around your yard at night while you sleep. Accidentally shooting someone (a neighbor you mistook for an intruder maybe?) Being arrested in front of your family and neighbors (ones you didn’t shoot). Going to prison for accidental manslaughter because of a stupid prank. People who carry pranks too far. People who won’t stop pranking even when the prank is over…or they’re shot.
Stupid people! The alarming amount of people who think reading and basic math are unnecessary skills. Realizing that life is nothing more than a series of repetitive events. Getting stuck watching videos in the vicious YouTube cycle. How much time you waste surfing the internet. How human beings waste technology. The fact that a massive portion of the internet is pornography. Finding that you are in an online porn sex-tape that’s gone viral. Having no recollection of participating in said porn…though you appear to be having a nice time. The dangers of drugs and alcohol or… discovering you have an evil (and apparently pornographic) twin.
Discovering that life is nothing more than a series of repetitive events. Hearing the scream of a terrified child in the night. Racing through darkness to aid the screaming child. Comforting the scared child and suddenly remembering you are single and live alone.
Dead ghost children that wander into your house (this happens more often than you’d think). Being alone in a room with a scared dead ghost child. Discovering that what has scared the dead ghost child is also in the room. Pedophiles. The fact that we register sex-offenders. Unforgivable sins.
Understanding that life is nothing more than a series of repetitive events. Multiple mouse traps going off by themselves. Ghost mice? The way a mouse seems to look into your soul as you debate on killing it. Finding you have no soul. To you soul food is just food. Not being able to carry a tune or dance. Being told this after you’ve danced and sung karaoke at a club. Learning your evil twin won a dance off. Everyone else knowing you are soulless before you do. Being embarrassed in public. Being embarrassed in private. Getting caught being private in public.
Public restrooms. Heavy footsteps entering a public restroom when you’re stuck in the middle of a poo. People who linger in restrooms but never use any of the facilities. Being murdered while you’re on the toilet. Not finishing a poo because you were murdered in the middle of it. Unfinished business. Being trapped as a ghost because you have unfinished business. Having no idea what business you didn’t finish. Remembering what it was and finding out ghosts can’t poo.
Writing a yearly horror column about things to fear and getting stuck in a writer’s block poop loop. OK I think we’ve all got the idea and have had enough of this…no…too easy.
So it’s obvious there is much to fear year round. This was just a taste of terrors yet to come. So be sure to tune in next week to be terrified by terrorifically true terrifying tales of terror as we begin to count down the weeks to Hell-o-ween!
I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!