Lil’ Red…the wife, Mrs. Chainsaw if you please, is a fanatic about naps. That seems like a contradiction unto itself. It’s not like she gets super excited and jumps around… or whatever it is fanatics do. It would seem that getting excited and jumping about would deter one’s ability to reach a comfortable state of nappiness. Let’s see how Webster’s defines “fanatic:” ‘a person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal, especially for an extreme religious or political cause.’ No, there’s nothing excessively zealous about her napping…she just kinda lays there. And though it may be part of her personal religious conviction to catch a few Z’s (at any given opportunity), she has no nap based political platform…of which I am aware. She just really likes naps.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, my grand-saw Gabriel deplores them…at least till he’s in the middle of one. Regardless, whether they like it or not, younger children do need and are happier little people when they get a mid-day snooze. This is why a lot of us “parental figures” were shocked when we learned that “nap-time” would no longer be a part of the Kindergarten curriculum. Why this cherished tradition has become a thing of the past is beyond me. Forever shall we mourn the bath towels cubbies.

Somewhere completely off the spectrum, John Q. (my stuffed, yellow bear side-kick) doesn’t mind naps and thinks (much like most things) they are great fun. Perhaps he is a true “nap fanatic” seeing as how he cheers, then basically runs around in circles till he collapses into blissful slumber.

Frank (the Angel of Death) just gets really…really still, sometimes. He has a skull for a head and empty eye sockets, so who the hell knows when, if, or how, he sleeps…no eyelids to close (shudders). You can’t tell if he’s asleep or just dead.

Now you’re probably wondering why we…

“Umm excuse me…Mr. Chainsaw sir?” Oh it’s The Secretary, the secretary that John and Frank hired (her name is The Secretary so that wasn’t a typo). How can I help you The?

“Actually I’m supposed to be helping you but ((yawn)) all this talk about naps has gotten me quite tired. Would you mind if I ((yawn)) excuse me, took the rest of the day to take one myself?”

Well yes, as in yes you can, not yes I mind. Have you fed William (John Q.’s pet lobster)? “Yes sir, and he is now napping in his tank which I ((yawn)) have also cleaned.” That’s actually John’s responsibility but he’s napping now, so thanks, now go ahead and get you some rest.

“Thank ((yawn)) you sir.”

If it isn’t already obvious, you’re probably wondering why we’re talking about naps. Well isn’t it obvious? Everyone’s taking one but me! No, no, no need to apologize, you’re not keeping me up by reading this. It’s not like I ever get to sleep anyway. Occasionally I try, but it’s proven to be folly time and time again. Why, you ask, is the Saw-man denied slumber? Well it’s something like this…

Being the head of the house, I have to make sure the rest of the house is resting before I, myself, can. OK good, it seems everyone is out…and Frank hasn’t moved in 15 minutes so for him I’ll just have to assume. Now let’s put on a good snoozer flick and catch some… hold on. Need to get a drink of water first and might as well grab a quick smoke… (God I need to quit).

OK, now to kick off my shoes, stretch out and get cozy. And being warm and relaxing makes the kidneys do the same, so, potty time. Get up, go pee, alright, now let’s curl up, wrap-up and ahhh! Just can’t seem to get comfortable on this little sofa. We are so getting full sized furniture in the future, but for now…oh the dog needs to go out…great.
Get up, put on shoes, stand in the cold, smoke again (I know, I know) wait for the poops annnddd we’re good! “Here’s a treat, good boy!” Now back to the sofa, re-kick the shoes, get covered up, get comfortable, drifting…slowly drifting…dreaming about the phone ringing?

Get up, answer the phone, back to the sofa, covered, cozy, and comfortable… and the machine is beeping. Just… ignore… it! Can’t! Get up again; de-beep the machine, another drink of water. Back to the sofa, covered, cozy, comfort… making the connection between the “drink of water” and the need to pee thing. Get up, go pee again, back to the sofa, covered, cozy, and comfortable; now if I can just … (Insert your own irritating interruption here).

Needless to say there is no rest for the wicked (that’s why witches are so grumpy). On rare occasions (during rare instances of extreme exhaustion), I get to have a “pass-out” whilst trying to nap. You know, those times when you’re pretty sure you went to sleep you just can’t remember going. You “wake-up” knowing time has passed, while you passed out but it feels like you just laid down. You rested but your restless rest arrested you no restful restitution.

Now you’d think at this point we’d arrive at some conclusion about the importance of resting. Perhaps better ways to do it, benefits of it or how to get more of it. Maybe even make some profound points on the dangers of sleep deprivation. Yeah, that’d be a great way to wrap up this week’s column but honestly…. I’m just too tired to care.

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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!