Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, regular and irregular readers alike (if your irregularity continues, please seek medical attention). Welcome to Have Chainsaw Will Travel’s Annual New Year’s Newsletter!!! (Wait for applause to die down… continue).
There are two problems or concerns you may find or have with that introduction. First of all you might argue that New Years was 2 weeks ago. Well it’s still the New Year isn’t it? And technically will be for the next 300+ some odd days. We could be doing this s*** in October and still be legit. But we can’t do it next year because this year would be Old Year, or last year, which would imply time travel.
The second issue we will address is the use of “annual”. How can something be annual if it’s never been done before? Well every anal thing has to start somewhere and then be anally repeated a year later at the same time so… oh yeah… sorry- “annual”. Awkward moment of silence… well if there’s no further admonishments, let’s get on with it! We’ll begin with…
The Year in Review: Last year sucked! And that pretty much sums it up. Filled with continued political strife, constant dissatisfaction with the government; rioting in the streets, on again-off again mask mandates and another viral strain. At this point how many of you (like me) are just counting the days till a world (or civil) war and wondering when the viral variant that kills us all will arrive? How depressing… just keep mindlessly watching the TikToks and pretend like everything’s okay.
Moving on: After 47+ years in residence of the little town of Bethlehem, the House O’ Saw relocated to Startown in Newton. There’s a bit of irony there, if you think about it — moving from the town with the star to the star’s town. After moving 6 months ago we’re still moving in. Finding a place for everything and getting everything in its place… or the trash. You find out how much stuff you have and don’t need when you move. Still we’ve all settled in nicely — thanks for asking.
Public acknowledgment: Since moving to the Newton area, quite a few more people have recognized “that Chainsaw guy” or “the guy that writes in the paper”. After 20 some-odd years in the public eye this is to be expected and is a welcome diversion; it’s nice when people appreciate, or at least recognize, what you do. However, please keep your expectations in perspective and to a minimum as nobody appears terribly talented, astonishing or amazing while hunting for the right size of elbow macaroni at the grocery store.
Resolution: <= Can you see this okay? Is it high enough?
Resolutions: A new place in a new year means opportunities to learn and try new things. It can also be a good opportunity to try and stop doing things and learn not to do others. How many goals have you set so far this year? How many resolutions have you broken already? Same old same old here — quit smoking… sigh… it’s more like the 10th anniversary of resolving to. But you can’t give up — never give up! Of course continuous trying eventually just seems like failing… really… slowly. Ah, but the slower you fail, the more time and chances you have to try again. This is positive…somehow.
Moving forward: So what does the future, via this New Year, have in store? What plans, hopes and dreams does it hold? Worry less, enjoy more! Spend less, save more — retirement draws nigh faster than you’d think. Quit smoking or keep trying, then failing until I succeed. Think broader and not so deep. Fill in that hole in the yard you keep stepping into. Hey doofus, we meant for the column… the ones after this one, not your own personal agenda. Oh sorry…
Moving forward again: So what does the impending year have in store for HCSAWT? There’ll be humor, laughter, love, hate, discussions, rants and zombies of course, intermingled with odd outtakes of the day to day. Mostly I’ll just keep writing whatever pops into my head, my soul goal: to inform and entertain. Whilst hopefully encouraging you to keep reading. With the editor’s blessings this column will continue, until this beloved publication finds its end or mine finds me.
I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused. See ya.