January 1st 2023 12:01 a.m. E.S.T.
The grandson is sprawled and unconscious, on the loveseat. The now-traditional weekend, living room, best-buddy sleepover having found its conclusion hours before. Lil’ Red (the pretty-petite spouse) is taking a delayed shower. Delayed due to wrangling our dogs, terrified by neighboring mortar fire, into the laundry room. A touch of insomnia finds yours truly on the couch. The colorized version of the original 1958’s “The Blob” starring Steve McQueen is observed lackadaisically. Only by coincidence is the clock glanced upon and time registered. Huh, well whad’ya know… Happy New Year!
It’s funny that as we grow older our desire to celebrate the New Year’s arrival can dissolve. Assuredly, there are many folks who will party like it’s 1999 till the day they die. However, there’s an equal amount of us that at some point just stop giving a s***.
Partied out, sick of the herd mentality or maybe realizing there’s not really anything to celebrate? Each “New Year” seems same as the last and it the same as the one before. And it will forever continue to be unless we resolve to make it better. But before we can resolve to better the year we must always attempt to better ourselves. So we can contribute our betterness to the cause of world betterment.
So we make resolutions… and then fail to keep them, setting a depressing precedent for the rest of the year. Kudos to those few who successfully resolve and set the bar for the rest of us… you bunch of overachieving jerks. As for the rest of us, maybe we need to resolve a little lower before we attempt to quit smoking, so we can exercise, so we can lose the weight we gained from quitting. Maybe we need some sort of list of starter resolutions to help boost our morale!
CHAINSAW’S STARTER
RESOLUTION LIST:
(how ironically convenient).
1. Resolve to breathe. Look you’re doing it now! This is one resolution you have to keep… unless you’re dead. In which case, thank you for your continued patronage in the afterlife.
2. Resolve to not spontaneously combust in public. Explode in the privacy of your own home if you must (this is not a fart joke… I think).
3. Resolve to finish this sentence. See, that was easy!
4. Resolve to learn more about that mythical cryptid the great North American jackalope (see next week’s article).
5. Resolve to change something in your life! You can start with your underwear and lightbulbs count, too.
6. Resolve to buy something brand new for yourself. You can accomplish this next time you go to the grocery. Unless you’re into eating recycled foods…think about that ((shudders)).
7. Resolve to give someone a random compliment – “Mr. Chainsaw, what an enlightening article and so well written!” Done and thank you!
8. Resolve to not learn how to fly… but if you accidentally do…teach me.
9. Resolve to give you a positive compliment – “My, aren’t I looking scrumptious today!” (tricked you into that one).
10. Resolve to finish reading this article. C’mon you can do it, you’re over halfway there.
11. Resolve not to become a victim of an attempted political assassination.
12. Resolve to not start wild fires. Keep them calm with candy or snacks. Only you…
13. Resolve not to take candy from strangers… unless there’s a fire. Only you and a stranger…
14. Resolve not to get mauled by a bear because you started a fire with candy wrappers… and a stranger.
15. Resolve to not be abducted by aliens.
16. Resolve that if you are abducted, you’ll set a good example for humanity… till the probes come out.
17. Resolve to only make necessary mistakes.
18. Resolve to look at least one way when crossing a one-way, dead-end street. Straight ahead is a way.
19. Resolve not to endanger any species… unless they have it coming.
20. Resolve not to litter.
21. Resolve to wake up tomorrow (if too hard see #1).
22. Resolve to spend more time with yourself. Seriously, you’re like right there with you. Grab a bite to eat or maybe just read this together.
23. Resolve to put this paper down and walk away when finished.
NEXT WEEK Everything you never wanted to know about the great North American jackalope… keep resolution #4.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
