It’s cooling down outside, autumn has begun to fall, mosquitoes are dying, pumpkin butchery has started as we officially begin the three month long gauntlet that is the holiday season. During this time of year we here at Have Chainsaw Will Travel have an annual tradition, and we are sticklers for traditions we…hold up…who the f*** is this we???
As far as I can tell there is no we, only me, unless there is more of me here that I haven’t told myself about. Huh? What’s that? Oh…really…I had no idea. I have just informed myself that I am here with me and myself, so I guess we is OK. Anywho… what were we, (we being you the reader and I the writer, not we as in me) talking about?
Let’s see… cold mosquitoes, a gauntlet of pumpkin butchers, yearly stickling, me, myself and… oh yes the arrival of the Holy Holiday Trinity! Which we always usher in fright proper; with a month’s worth of horrifically hellish tales of terror devilishly dedicated to the darkest of hellidays. So without further ado (or schizophrenic interludes) Lycans and gentle ghosts, hell-boys and ghouls welcome to HCSWT’s HELL-O-WEEN!
Halloween, by definition, sets itself completely apart from other all holidays, because it’s the one time of year when being scared and scaring others is looked upon as fun. Until, of course, someone loses a limb due to a machete wielding werewolf clown incident on a haunted trail. Dismemberment aside, what are you afraid of? C’mon, you can tell us. Or are you afraid to admit what you’re afraid of? Are you one of those types that proudly boast’s, “I ain’t ah-feared of nothin’!” You know denial is the sincerest form of guilt on this particular subject, either that or blatant ignorance. So if you claim “no fear” of anything you’re either a liar or you’re stupid or a stupid liar. Then again, maybe you just aren’t aware of all the things there are to be afraid of out there.
Becoming spontaneously nude in public (it happens). Being laughed at when you’re nude in private (think about that one). A random naked old man showing up on your front lawn; he’s going to steal your clothes off the line. Other people wearing your clothes. Other people’s clothes showing up in your house. The other people are still in your house…AND THEY’RE NAKED! Bees or spiders hiding in your clothes. Getting bitten by an unseen and thus unidentifiable insect. Dying from a venomous sting or bite while waiting in the ER. Listening to a boring “how it happened” story from the guy beside you with a severed limb in a cooler while you die. Dying in general. Almost dying. Being crippled for life. Realizing you don’t have much of a life anyway. Starting a new life. Starting a new job. Starting a new relationship. Losing all your friends. Losing your job. Getting a divorce. Being alone. Attending group therapy sessions with strangers. Realizing you are the strange one. Becoming a stranger to yourself. Buying a van and lots of candy. Feeling you can’t live without your former spouse. Suicide. Thoughts of murder. Prison showers. Misplacing a loaded handgun. The cat finding it and swatting at it playfully. Being shot by a cat. The realization of not owning a cat that’s in your house and trying to shoot you. Cats that just “show up” at your house. Cats that just stare at you. Cats the musical. Being aroused by people dressed at cats. Furry orgies. Drunken orgies with ugly people. Sadly realizing you too are ugly. Also realizing you weren’t really that drunk. Drunk drivers. Drunk divers. Not knowing which way is up underwater. Drowning. Something cold and slimy just touched your leg whilst swimming in a lake. Something cold and slimy just touched your bottom whilst you were sitting on the toilet. Incontinence. Spontaneously explosive diarrhea. Running out of toilet paper in a public restroom. Wearing sneakers that rub without socks or blue jeans without underwear. Going commando because you have to. Watching Commando. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s decline as an action hero. Affirmative action against you. Finding out you’re racist. Finding out you are part of the group you’re racist against. The high level of negativity towards everyone and everything online. Spam when you’re expecting an important email or call. Having nothing better to eat than a spiced ham meat product. Having nothing to eat. Having something to eat but not liking or wanting it. Telling a loved one their tuna casserole is gross. Hurting others feelings. Getting fillings. Going to the dentist. Losing your teeth. Losing your mind. Losing your pants…it happens.
Well hopefully this list of spine chilling fears didn’t scare you off. Be sure to tune in next week as Hell-o-ween continues with a frightful tale! A tale so terrifying I can’t tell you about it, because I don’t even know what it is yet. BEWARE… BEWARE… BEWARE!
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!