“ ‘Cause everybody’s living in a material world and I am a material girl! You know that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl! Living in a material world and I am a material girl! You know that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl!”- Excerpt from “Material Girl” by Madonna from her second studio album, Like a Virgin, released on January 23, 1985.

For the record and future reference, this writer has never been a huge Madonna fan, viewing most of her works as cultural pop hits designed to fuel teenage rebellion and parental shock in the late 80’s early 90’s era. Which is how most artists of that time sold records, so kudos and way to go?

On the other side of the record and for more futuristic references, this writer has never considered himself, nor been accused of being, a material girl. Despite living in a material world, my gender denies me the ability to even consider this option. While on the subject of material girlish gender…

Just because a writer references a song with an effeminate title and lyrics i.e., Material Girl, does not make said writer effeminate nor homosexual (however if it were Girls Just Want to Have Fun, or just about anything from Culture Club, that would be debatable). Not that there is anything wrong with being of an alternative sexual persuasion. We are simply stating this to establish that the writer is not.

Finally, for the last record to be spun on the turntable this week, right now I am regretting using the lyrics to an 80’s pop song to introduce this week’s topic due to the rambling which has ensued. Should have just said, “Here’s a nice little personal perspective piece about attachment to material items.” Oh well…too late for the simple route now.

Driving away from the pawn shop, there was that one burning question: The 12 gauge double-barreled Remington or the Stoeger coach gun? Ashley J. Williams (played by Bruce Campbell) the chainsaw handed, anti-hero, from the cult classic Evil Dead franchise had proclaimed that his iconic “boom-stick” was a Remington in Army of Darkness, the 3rd film of the series. However upon closer inspection of the film the gun used is almost definitely a Stoeger coach…decisions…decisions.

Well, when trying to decide on a shotgun, why not ask the person riding shotgun? So I turn to my passenger, my BBFF Lil Red (that’s the spouse) and ask, “What do you think?” She responds by stating her observation that, “Your attachment to material things is strange,” implying that I put more stock into material things than I do people.

I go silent. She grows concerned. Was I mad? Had she hurt my feelings? No, it was the catalyst that spawned the idea for this column.

No f***ing s*** I like and put more faith into stuff more than people! People suck! Neither one of those shotguns will be jealous or start drama when the other one is bought or if both are bought or if none are bought. A shotgun will not cheat on me and won’t complain if I let someone else pull the trigger. A shotgun will not hurt me unless I allow it to do so, am unsafe or someone else hurts me with it. Most importantly a shotgun will not under any circumstances hook-up with an old flame, leave me and take most of the furniture. Pant…pant…pant. Incidentally none of this was projected violently towards my other half.

So material goods can serve for a more stable relationship than a people can, but what about friendships? Surely an inanimate object can provide the same level of companionship a people could! Really now? Why do you think one of my oldest and dearest friends is a stuffed yellow bear? (Don’t get upset John Q. I know you’re real). A stuffed bear won’t call at the worst possible time and won’t forget to text you at the best possible time. A stuffed bear won’t borrow your other stuff and break or lose it. They won’t tell you their problems and not want you to help with a solution. They won’t tell you secrets to keep from other stuffed bear friends. Secrets that destroy all friendship because you haven’t the heart to tell one bear what the other bear did. They won’t abandon you or leave you behind when you need them most.

Wait, what about furry friends? Little animal creatures can make wonderful friends and compadres and a lot of folks like animals more than people. Is that mentality really fair to the animal? After all, you are a “people” which means you are indirectly subjecting them to the very thing you’re trying to avoid by befriending them… PEOPLE! I digress; little animal friends are fine and dandy. However they still can’t hold a candle to material goods, simply because never has one of my chainsaws s*** all over the kitchen floor.

So yes, material possessions hold a dearer place in my heart than most people do. And yes, it may seem strange, but none of those inanimate objects will judge me and tell me so. But the honest truth is I really wish people would prove me wrong. Maybe it’s up to me to be a better person… but all my stuff thinks I’m just fine.

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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!