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Retraction: since you don’t see that word very often here (I hardly ever, mostly never, make too many mistakes) a quick definition of the term. Re·trac·tion /retrakSH(e)n// noun- a withdrawal of a statement, accusation, or undertaking-usually in newsprint. Now that we’re all on the same page of the dictionary, let us retract.

In the May 11th 2017 issue of FOCUS, on page 18, within the Have Chainsaw Will Travel article titled CONSPIRACAL COINCIDENTAL CONCLUSIONS, a statement was made that has been discovered to be questionably incorrect. The main body of the column’s content was a factual historical breakdown of how Alien Dinosaurs have schemed for several millennia to overthrow the human race through random acts of violence (this is ongoing). The 8th paragraph of said article describes how the Loch Ness Monster (actually an Alien Dinosaur) under the pseudonym of Jack the Ripper, was responsible for the grisly murders of five female victims in the Whitechapel District of London between the years of 1888–1891.

Since the printing of this statement, new evidence has come to light that proves Nessie is innocent…at least of the Whitechapel murders (he/she is still suspect in the JFK assassination). It also suggests other implications that point strongly toward another potential suspect; a suspect who now, over a century later, may still be at large.

After carefully calculated consideration and extensive intensive investigation, the Have Chainsaw Will Travel investigative team, which consists of an exclusively elite membership of me, myself and I, have come to several shocking conclusions. First of all the Loch Ness Monster was not Jack the Ripper­‑‑I know…I was so sure Nessie was the one. Secondly Jack the Ripper was not a man. Third of all Jack the Ripper was Mary Poppins!!!

Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-ee the ripper is really a magic nan-ny.

Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-oo, blood will rub off when she shakes ‘ands with you.

Wow, that is a very bold and blatant, albeit delightfully musical, accusation. What evidence do we have to back up such an amazing claim? In order to understand the initial speculations one must carefully view the two historical documentaries, Mary Poppins (1964) and Mary Poppins Returns (2019). These two films catalogue the events of the two known public appearances of Miss Poppins in 1910 and again in 1935.

In both instances Mary arrives via umbrella or kite to the same street where the Banks family keeps residence. In London the police officers and detectives wear a letter on their lapels which identifies their division. Those patrolling the Bank’s street bear the letter ‘H.’ H-Division was responsible for what came to be called Ripper Street, thus the Bank’s lived in Whitechapel.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious accusing Mary of murder is something quite atrocious.

Criminal psychologists say that criminals, specifically murderers, will always return to the scene of their crimes. So is the locale coincidence? Was Mary revisiting the scenes of her crimes?

Mary Poppins? A murderess? Why she’s practically perfect in every way…she said so herself. Yes, perhaps a little too perfect. How did she come to be so perfectly practical? Perfection aside, where did she obtain her powers? She doesn’t seem to age, has the power of telekinesis, she can make interdimensional jumps into alternate realities, has a magical bottomless bag and she can fly…or float…that IT clown monster thing floats… we all float down here. Is Mary Poppins IT?

No that’s ridiculous…the IT clown lived in the sewer and didn’t have an umbrella or sense of style. Hey I’ll disguise myself as a clown to lure children in and be creepy as hell while I do so…yeah that makes no sense. But wait, maybe that makes all the sense in the world. What if IT was Jack the Ripper? OK follow me on this roller coaster.

So according to historical accounts by Stephen King, the alien entity IT arrived on Earth from outer space during the time of the dinosaurs. This means IT would have been there when the Alien Dinosaurs came. Maybe he joined them, and then millennia later, as they conspired against the human race, IT took on the pseudonym of Jack the Ripper and was responsible for the grisly murders of five female victims in the Whitechapel District of London between the years of 1888–1891. Division H could never catch him because he just floated away.

So in conclusion IT is the Loch Ness Monster! But wait…where does Mary Poppins fit into all of this? Well, being that she can also float, she was probably the one that brought IT’s Loch Ness Jack’s rippin’ reign of terror to an end. Probably floated him down, beat his a** with her umbrella and dropped him down a chim-chimney somewhere. Now she returns to Whitechapel every 25 years to make sure it is IT free and no one’s getting attacked by scalpel wielding dinosaurs on Ripper Street. (Mysteries solved, case closed.)

Next week: Did Bert the chimney sweep kill Adolph Hitler with a spoonful of cyanide?

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

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