DISCLAIMER: The following column contains ideas, suggestions, situations and scenarios which are intended solely for humor and entertainment purposes. Some items here could lead to heavy legal repercussions, personal injury or hurt feelings if acted upon or carried out. Neither the FOCUS staff, nor Have Chainsaw Will Travel team, endorses or accepts responsibility for any person or persons foolhardy (or brave enough) to carry out anything mentioned in this article. However, if you do try anything, and pull it off, please send a photo or video of it to this column’s writer… I could use a laugh.
It has never occurred to me (until now) that considering FOCUS’ distribution date (every Thursday) someone may actually be reading this column while standing in line for a Black Friday sale. If so…how’s it goin’? Cold, wet, miserable, tired, bored? Starting to wonder if it’s really worth it yet? I digress, your suffering to obtain material goods at discount prices is your own business. But there’s no need to suffer…there’re ways around that line.
No need to arrive early, most of these ideas work best if you act just minutes before the doors open. Camouflage: Do research and find out what employees of the store wear. Obtain a similar outfit – vest, smock, red shirt, khakis, etc. Don’t forget your name badge. Now, right before the doors open, peel into the parking lot, jump out and jog to the front of the line; all the while looking at your phone in frustration at how late you are.
Wearing just shoes and a hospital gown (an arm bracelet is bonus) come around from the back side of the store looking disheveled and confused (think escaped mental patient). Mutter to yourself, advance to the entrance…oh they’ll move. Hopefully you can slip in just as the doors open and before anybody calls the cops. Going in naked might work even better.
Distractions work well too. Minutes before the doors open, pop around the side of the building and yell that they’re letting people in the side entrance already (even if there’s not one). Hopefully a few suckers will buy it and you can run around and at least move up in line.
Of course, if you’ve got the time, you can be the first one in, without fail. All you have to do is go to the store the day before…and hide! Take something to drink and bring snacks- what fun, especially if you’re in the camping department; do not attempt s’mores! You’ll be shopping before the doors even open – just don’t oversleep.
If you’re not interested in standing in line for hours but want to celebrate Black Friday you can still participate. Since nobody will willingly give up their place in line you’ll have a capacity packed crowd for several hours. This is a perfect time to try out your comedy routine or maybe a little song and dance number. Have a friend pass around a hat, it’s a panhandle opportunity for sure. If you’re not funny, can’t dance or carry a tune in a bucket, hold them hostage with your bad skills till they pay you to stop. If you’re talentless, sell drinks and snacks…a mobile port-a-john would probably make a quick buck. This would also be an excellent time to collect for charity…”What, you’re getting ready to blow hundreds of dollars and you can’t spare some change for the Put Pants on Cats foundation?”
Well maybe you’re not feeling charitable and have a little mischief in mind. Those people aren’t going to risk their place in line so what better time to mess with ’em. Gather a group of friends, approach the store en masse. Now…form a second line. Show no intentions of going in, just kinda hang out. It’ll drive them nuts. Same group of friends, everyone dressed the same creepy way. Spread out around the parking lot and take turns popping up and staring at the line of shoppers. Run at the line with empty buckets and pretend to dash them. Stage a fake protest against cats in pants. Do a drive-by Silly Stringing.
Whatever you do with the day enjoy it in your own way, keeping in mind what the season’s really about – it’s about something…probably something other than what you’re actually doing.
I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me directly at – firstname.lastname@example.org.
Hope to hear from you, until then try and stay focused. See ya!