chainsaw_headerIt’s summertime, summertime, sum-sum summertime and in the good old summertime we can sing “Sweet Home Alabama” all summer long. Because school’s out for the summer and ohh, those summer nights with summer girls and/or boys of summer (sexual preference pending).

But it’s a cruel summer in a hot town summer in the city. Nothing like the summer of ‘69! And there ain’t NO cure for the summertime blues. Well, that about covers all the traditional “Whooo Hooo,” celebratory songs of praise that summertime is here crap. Now, get over it and let’s get on with this…

Spring has sprang and sprung its final spring and catapulted us right into the drenching heat of the sweltering summer. Summer L…summer sucks! It’s hot as hell, it’s miserable, it’s expensive, it’s hot as hell,     sticky and sweaty and hot as hell! There are bugs that bite and bees that sting while you’re suffering already from the heat because it’s hot as hell! Honeys and bumbles are welcome (we’ve about killed them, ya know) but oh the fun of defensive wasps who’ve built their home in yours. Not to mention Yellow Jackets that nest underground to attack when you step into their home in your yard, and that get into your drinks. Drinks that you have to have to cool down because… it’s hot as hell! Did I mention it’s really, really, really, extra really hot as…oh I did? OK good, didn’t want to forget to point out the heat that rivals that of the underworld during the good old summertime.

Expensive? What did I mean by expensive? Seriously? That was eight sentences ago LAWNMOWER2(technically 12 at this point) and you’re just now mentioning it? How is summer expensive? Well, let us see—the power bill goes up because you have to constantly run the A/C because it’s…you know why. The water bill goes up because you have to fill up the kids’ pool…and refill the kids’ pool… dump and refill the kids’ pool. “Hey! Stop splashing around so much and don’t pee in there…it’s expensive.” Not to mention the gas. No, not swimming pool bubbly flatulence (which is actually pretty funny to see) we’re talking about petrol.

If you are fortunate enough to get to take a nice leisurely drive out to the coast, to catch some waves, soak up some sun, get sand in your suit, get sunburned etc., more power to ya! Of course the drive out and back are gonna get you at the pumps, however this particular summertime fuel expense is acceptable because “A trip? What fun!”

It’s the fuel you have to put into those little two and four cycle engines that can be a nuisance. We’re talking about weed-eaters, leaf blowers, hedge trimmers, edgers, tillers, aerators, push mowers, riding mowers. We’re talking about mowing the f***ing grass (and finally making sense of this week’s title)!

During the fall you rake just once… unless you are impatient. During the winter you shovel, numerous times or perhaps not at all. During the spring you plant but you really don’t have to unless you want too. And finally during the summer you mow… you mow again and then…you mow some more. Every week, or two if it doesn’t rain, you mow, mow, mow! Grass is a stupid idea! Who came up with grass? We are speaking of the kind in the yard, not the kind that comes in little plastic bags, so everybody calm down.

One would think the logic behind grass would be to prevent soil erosion around a structure and this it does. However, that’s not why we have it. In truth the concept of a grassy lawn took root in medieval times.  The very first lawns were grassy fields that surrounded English and French castles. Castle grounds had to be kept clear of trees so that the soldiers protecting them had a clear view of their surroundings. This also provided open grazing fields for livestock who mowed and fertilized simultaneously. With the passage of time having a well kept grass lawn became a status symbol for the elite and wealthy who could afford to have theirs scythed and sheared. The 19th century brought change to all this when the first mechanical lawn mower was invented by Edwin Beard Budding in 1830. Thank you Edwin for the beginning of a little taste of hell on earth. We are not going to go into the “History of Mowing the Grass,” feel free to Google it on your own time. Needless to say eventually having a lawn full of grass became the expected norm for everyone.

Prior to the advent of grass in the modern world most people just had trees and dirt. What was wrong with trees and dirt? Trees give us oxygen and you don’t have to mow dirt… though some people like to. Hmmm maybe it’s not the grasses’ fault but people’s desire to mow? Some innate desire to walk in slowly shrinking circles in the heat. No that’s stupid, nobody wants to mow. In the event you do want to mow I apologize for your inborn needs… it’s not your fault.

Anyway…trees and dirt… which would become trees and mud when it rained but why replace it with grass? Why not, is there a better alternative? Yes there is, it is called cement and it requires little or no maintenance. Just leave a few holes for trees and you could even paint it green if you liked for old times’ sake. Sigh… I currently cannot afford pavement so I must go… mow the grass now.

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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!