Before we serve up this week’s hearty helping of psychotic wonderment, we’ll whet our palette with an appetizing appetizer—the solution to Chainsaw’s Mystery Theatre’s mystery from last week’s article. If you missed the mystery, too bad and you kinda suck for not being a caring consistent reader of fine literature. Now, for regular faithful readers…

The packing slip Detective Murry presented to his partner, (who prematurely deduced murder) was the manifesto of the large packing crate. Said crate contained a life-sized, pedestaled, ice-sculpture of the “victim’s” estranged spouse. As the writing on the wall had stated, “he would die in her cold embrace” and he had symbolically done just that. Standing on the ice pedestal he had secured a rope around the chandelier as well as his own neck. As the ice melted, he hung himself; his dying vision her literal cold icy visage. Fin!

Ever notice when it precipitates someone will exclaim we “really” needed it. Do we really “need” rain? Yes, this writer is aware of the hydrologic cycle, in which Earth-bound water turns into water vapor, which condenses to form clouds that when full leak; it’s called precipitation. When human beings get full of liquid they leak too, it’s called pee. We do need the clouds to pee on us in order to recycle and purify the water. But couldn’t it be a more organized and scheduled event? Couldn’t it rain the same amount at the same time each week? Does it really have to ruin afternoons and outings with sporadic tinkles followed by massive downpours? Yes, we do need the clouds to pee on us, but do they really need to all flush at the same time?

So we need cloud urination… err, rain, but you know what a late spring soaking means—mosquitoes! Hundreds of stagnant puddles, filled with thousands of mosquito larvae all ready to mature, take flight and suck blood! Even when it’s not raining or the humidity from constant showers is overbearing, the presence of these little bastiches make it impossible to enjoy the outdoors. Of course we all know what a booming mosquito population means­­—BATS!

With a plethora of bloodsucking bugs laid out like a buffet it’s only logical that the number of small, winged, bloodsucking mammals that show up to dine will increase. It’s interesting to note that if a mosquito drinks your blood and then is eaten by a bat your DNA ends up as guano splattered on the floor of a cave or burrow. Is this how reincarnation works?

Disclaiming and retracting: not all bats drink blood. That practice is reserved for vampire bats and you know what that means. More rain means more mosquitoes. More mosquitoes mean more bats. More bats mean Vampires!!!

This is not to say that bats turn into vampires or vice-versa, that’s just stupid. That a 160 lb human corpse could compress into a 1oz bat is ridiculous. However, heavy rains, heightened mosquito populations, resulting in increased winged rats are signs of impending vampire activity.

Consider the aggravation when your basement floods; now imagine bumping your head on the ceiling of your tomb because your coffin is floating in 6ft of standing water. It would do nothing for your mood and then there’s the stress of relocating on humid mosquito-ridden nights. Do vampires get mosquito bites? Would the mosquitoes become little vampires?

Since the weather refuses to follow a reasonable schedule (because we need it) what will we do about these saturated, destitute vampires? We could go the traditional route—sharpen stakes, ready the cross bows, bless the water (because we need it). However, in our modern pacifistic society, a more subtle approach is called for.

Towels! At every entrance and around one’s neck at all times (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy recommends it), umbrellas and warm, blood-flavored cocoa (just milk a few thousand mosquitoes). Perhaps this considerate offering of dryness will soothe the vampires into not killing you during the next downpour… which we need.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via the FOCUS, or E-mail me at Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused. See ya.