The recent chill of wintery weather has not been kind to anyone (unless you enjoy freezing your yahoos off). Especially to those who must rise early to earn a living, while the temperatures are still in the single digits. Who must illogically leave the comforts of a warm bed, travel in frigid darkness and submit to the confines of employment.
These bitter early morning temps are exceptionally brutal to us smokers who are banned from smoking indoors. Who must have their allotted daily nicotine fix before the whole frigid darkness traveling thing. Thus we get up, bundle up and light up. To brave the elements armed only with a steaming cup of Joe and a smoldering cancer stick. It is on mornings such as these, as our fingers go numb and cheeks burn from the chilling winds. As we stare blankly out across the frozen wasteland that is our own backyards. That we all share the same two thoughts— No 1: Why the f*** am I out here? This is a stupid habit! I should snub this thing out and go back inside! And No 2: It’s too cold to fight zombies! This would be the worst possible time for a full scale zombie outbreak.
First of all—yes it is a stupid habit and we should all quit (more on that at a later date). And secondly, yes it is and yes it would be, but tragically the zombie apocalypse knows no elemental bounds.
Have you ever noticed that with the exception of the Norwegian zombie film “Dead Snow” there are few, if any, zombie films set in wintertime? The reason for this is because freezing temperatures add a complicated elemental threat to an already dire situation. The survivors would have to battle frostbite and the cold along with zombies. In turn, taking some of the attention away from the threat of the walking dead. Thus there are no film or television references on how to survive an undead uprising in freezing conditions. Lucky for you, much like the living dead, we here at HCSAWWT also know no elemental bounds, and thus…
Chainsaw’s Reference Guide to Kicking Undead A** Without Freezing Yours Off:
1. Secure a stable heat source. Before you head out to face reanimated corpses, be sure you have someplace safe and warm to come back to. Killing zombies won’t do you much good if you freeze to death and become one of them after killing them.
2. Don’t rely on electricity! Power plants require people power too. They’re not gonna hang around to keep your lights on when the dead rise.
3. Know how to start a fire.
4. Keep outdoor fires controlled and hidden. Large fires may attract unwanted, undead visitors who will prefer your brains to s’mores.
5. Bottled water is always essential. The cold can dry you out faster than the heat and staying hydrated is important. And it may be needed to put out that fire you let get out of control.
6. Bundle up properly. Not so tight you can’t move but not so loose as to allow for an undead hand hold. A snowsuit, cat-suit or coveralls work best, scarfs, hanging hoods and ponchos are a no-no.
7. Use bludgeoning weapons with wooden handles—axes, bats, shovels etc. They’ll be easier to hold onto with gloves on and warmer and comfortable to hold than say a crowbar or katana; because your comfort should be considered when killing zombies.
8. Moisturize! Your skin will become chapped making simple tasks painful. Have some good lotion on hand and lube up.
9. Do not handle your weapon after lubing up… (Perhaps that was a poor choice of words). You will make it slick, sticky, hard to hang onto and control… and this seems to be going in the wrong direction.
10. Dress in layers. You’re already bundled up, the undead will be too, since most infectious bites will occur outdoors. Be prepared to face zombies with padding.
11. Don’t rely on headshots. Though a toboggan, hoodie and coat hood combo won’t stop a bullet, it can hinder destroying the brain if your undead intended is weather ready.
12. Use the freezing factor to your advantage. Lure zombies into lakes and waterways, with any luck they’ll freeze before they can get out. Just don’t go swimming come the thaw.
13. Stay indoors! There’s no point in risking your life and freezing your ass off. Gather your supplies, start a fire and hold up for the winter. Zombies are people too…or were people too, and are just as susceptible to freezing conditions as non-dead people. A few single digit nights and they’ll freeze to death on their own…well they’re already dead so they’ll just freeze to… just being frozen dead people, I guess.
14. So stay warm, drink up, bundle up, lube up, grab a good piece of wood and no… no… no, we are not going there again.
I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!