“Hot town, summer in the city; back of my neck getting dirty and gritty! Been down, isn’t it a pity, doesn’t seem to be a shadow in the city. All around, people looking half dead!

Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head! But at night it’s a different world, go out and…” Nope…stop right there! That’s all we need to hear from The Lovin’ Spoonful and their “Summer in the City” circa the summer of ‘66. The night may be a “different world” but in the sweltering light of day it all looks the same- HOT!

Looking out the window behind the relative safety of glass, it looks quite inviting. So bright, so light, so warm and welcoming… do not be deceived. Take a moment to truly take it in and look a little closer. Nothing’s moving, all is still, except those waves radiating off the asphalt. Yes it all looks very appealing, but the grass is slowly dying and the wind is unmoving.

Whether born of necessity, desire or ignorance, you step out and the heat hits you like a honey-roasted slap in the face. No… that’s not right, it’s not just the face. It enshrouds you, enveloping you in an uncomfortable smoldering hug…like one from a distant relative whose relationship doesn’t really validate one. It penetrates the very fabric of your being; as well as any fabric on your being. Suddenly and without warning you’re hot all over and not in an attractive way.

Walking towards your car you can feel little bits of your soul burning away with each step. That’s actually your shoes melting on the tarmac. Sorry for the soul/sole confusion, but the heat’s not good for either.

Inside your vehicle it’s like a hot-box in a Sahara desert prison camp. It’s like a million, billion, gazillion and 2 degrees in there. If you weren’t sweating already…well you already were. It’s cool (not literally) just run the 2-45 to let the hot air out and the A/C to get some cool air in. Guaranteed your vehicle will reach a comfortable temperature… just as you reach your destination.

While you’re out be sure to pick-up wieners, burgers and buns, because nothing says “insane” like starting a fire outside, to cook over in sweltering heat. That’s like sitting in the snow mid-winter eating ice cream.

But hey, you’re in luck. It seems to be cooling down and there’s a nice cool breeze. Oh… nope, that’s just yet another sporadic summer storm blowing in. Now you can sit inside, cold wieners and buns in hand, and watch the grass grow like… something that grows really fast. But no worries it’ll pass quickly and the sun will be out in no time. So you can mow said grass in all its humidified glory.

Why do people like this time of year? Summer people… sheesh- if you like summer so much why do you have air-conditioning? Same reason us winter folk have heat I suppose. But still- we can layer and bundle up some more. You fools can only go as far a naked… and you still want to start fires outside.

As if intolerable heat and looney naked pyromaniacs weren’t enough, the pest population thrives in the summertime. With bugs crawling and flying everywhere- bees stinging, mosquitoes sucking and other bugs just getting on you and freaking you out. And of course with the onslaught of summer there’s a higher potential for an onslaught of zombies.

“Hot town, zombies in the city; chainsaw blade’s getting bloody and gritty! Apocalypse, man it isn’t pretty, doesn’t seem to be a shelter in the city. All around, people looking undead! Limping down the sidewalk, eatin’ brains outta your head!”

Zombies prefer summer… it’s simple logic: You see zombies don’t know how to put on clothes, so in winter they’d get cold. But as their clothes and body parts decay and rot off they adapt perfectly to summer weather. You see this is the fate of you summer people – to die (probably of heatstroke) and come back and try to eat us other-season people. But we winters get the last laugh—we ain’t going outside, it’s too damned hot. By the time we do come out, good luck on biting through our winter-time wardrobe.

NEXT WEEK: How to survive a half-baked summer peo…err zombie apocalypse.


I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me directly at – wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com.

Hope to hear from you, until then try and stay focused. See ya!