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The phobia of chainsaws is called- phobia-de-chainsaws. About 90% of humans exhibit a phobia of chainsaws. The 90% who exhibit this phobia are called sane homo sapiens. The remaining 10% are called insane.”  ­— Results according to a 2017 survey by Common Sense LLC. Gee, I never realized I scared anybody, but it’s nice to know that my readers are also insane.

It’s interesting that if there is a man in proximity, a woman will summon him to kill a spider. Every independent woman, “I don’t need any man to kill my spiders for me!” Ah yes, but if there were one nearby would you ask them to do the squishing? Not because you couldn’t, but because it made you uncomfortable to do so?

This would not be Arachnophobia. This could potentially be an OCD. (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, not Over the Counter Drug or Off Color Dolphin) aggressive obsession involving the fear of intentionally harming or killing things. So if you can’t kill a spider, you should seek professional psychiatric help, or call an exterminator.

Now there are quite a few backwoods-hunting, manly men who will squeal like a baby bunny in a blender (no actual baby bunnies were harmed in this analogy) at the mere sight of an 8-legged freak. Dude…it’s just a spider…it’s like 10 feet away…get off the stool, stop crying and no, we won’t call your mommy. This is arachnophobia!

A “phobia” is a persistent, extreme and irrational fear of a specific object, activity or situation. Personally, aside from paranoia of life in general, there are few things in this world that truly rattle me. On many occasions my services have been called upon by women and men alike to dispose of creepy-crawly things; an arachnophobic I am not. However, I am an animate Arkoudaphobic: this is the fear of bears.      

Wait, “How can being afraid of bears be an irrational fear?” Bears are huge! They will chase you, maul you and eat you. The irrational part comes in when you start fearing bears are going to pop up to get you in the same way spiders do. When you’re all naked and vulnerable there’ll be one crouched in the tub when you pull back the shower curtain and try to squish it or wash it down the drain. This is considered irrational.

Now this irrational bear fear has only come to light in recent years in receiving an officially recognized “phobia” title.  Feeling there may be others out there without titles for their fears, what follows is a list of some phobias not yet acknowledged by the psychological community. 

Articlaphobia: The fear of never saying the right thing right. Babybunnyinablenderaphobia: The feared destruction of cuteness and loud manly squealing. Closetaphobia: The fear of slightly cracked closet doors or that closets will get you when you’re not looking. Complexaphobia: The fear that your fear is too complex to be feared. Constipataphobia: The fear that you’re full of s***. Constaconstipataphobia: The fear that you’re constantly full of s***. Cyclephobia: The fear of bicycles. C-aphobia: The fear of too many C-words grouped together (scared now, aren’t you). 

Dancinpeepaphobia: The fear that when you crack an egg there will be a live peep inside…and then it starts to dance. Deja vuaphobia: The fear of feeling like you’ve been afraid before. Elastiphobia : The fear that the elastic in your underwear will give out at a crucial moment. Ejectaphobia; The fear of being spontaneously thrown from a moving vehicle. Erectaphobia: The fear of building stuff (what were you thinking it was… pervert). 

Fantatasticaphobia: The fear of thinking Fanta is fantastic. 

Incompletaphobia: The fear of things that aren’t… 

Masteraphobia: The fear of mastering your fears. Mysteriphobia : The fear of mysterious things that frighten you. Mysterimachinaphobia: The fear of teenage reefer addicts and talking dogs. 

Pterodactylaphobia: The fear of words that start with a silent “P”.  Recyclephobia: Being afraid of the same bicycle twice.  Rejectaphobia: The fear of being spontaneously thrown from a moving vehicle again. Repititaphobia: The fear of repetition. Repititaphobia: The fear of repetition. Repititaphobia: The fear of repetition (Just trying to scare you now). 

Schizophrenaphobia: The fear that you aren’t yourself.  Simultaniphobia: The fear of being afraid of all the things you fear at the same time. Spontanaphobia: The fear of being afraid all at once. Tricyclephobia: The fear of three bicycles jumping you in a dark alley. Unicyclephobia: The fear of just one specific bicycle. Vuja-deaphobia: The fear of feeling afraid of something you’ve never feared before.

Whether it has a name or not, it’s OK to be afraid of whatever you fear. There’s a reason you’re afraid, so if something scares you or just freaks you out, be scared ­– freak out. Everyone’s afraid of something, whether they’ll admit it or not. And each individual has the right to be afraid and deal with their own fears, in their own way, in their own time. When you’re not scared anymore is when it will be time to no longer be afraid. Now if you’ll excuse me I must go check behind the sofa… for bears.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

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