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Another Good Friday

March 28, 2013

The tranquility of the morning is shattered, with the cymbal like resonance of pots and pans colliding. It’s a quarter of eight and Lil Red is up and gone to work. Mercifully she’s let me linger beneath the covers- some of us have the luxury of a paid holiday. So tempting to just curl back up and let sleep have the morning hours. Yet the noises emanating from the kitchen demand investigation.

It is no surprise to find John Q. (my stuffed bear sidekick), Frank (aka the Angel of Death) and Harvey (aka the Easter Bunny) in the kitchen. Harvey and John are at the stove and happily cooking...something. Frank tokes on a cigarette (borrowed from my open pack—be wary of Death for he is a mooch).

However, my attention is focused on the pile of brown stuff in the floor. My fears of linoleum defecation are put to rest when John explains they’re ‘making pancakes’...but it’s dark brown? “They’re chocolate pancakes”...but there’s corn in it? “They’re nutritious chocolate pancakes.”

Looks like just coffee for me. Frank made a whole pot and his coffee’s to die for...no pun intended.

After a nutritious breakfast (that’ll probably look the same going out as it did going in) Frank and John set off to do the dishes. A yellow bear and the Death Angel washing dishes...anywhere else that would seem strange. Harvey seems distracted and it’s obvious something’s on his mind. I’m curious as to why he’s here and not getting ready for his big day, which is only 48 hours away. So we adjourn to the sun room to finish our coffees. He dunks a carrot stick into his brew and nibbles it with a sense of melancholy. Then without warning, he spills his guts. Not literally, he’s not drinking guts, nor does he explode or spontaneously eviscerate. Rather he tells me what’s bothering him.

“Everything’s ruined and it’s all HIS fault”, he says, “HE stood by HIS beliefs, stood firm as they questioned HIM and made fun,” he continued, “and they crucified HIM. It changed everything!” (I assumed he was talking about Jesus Christ; it was what many people thought of during Easter. Obviously this would give Harvey some competition. However, I assumed wrong.)

“Why did HE do it,” Harvey wailed, “why did Tom Cruise expose his Scientology to the public and make an ass of himself on Oprah? Now his career is faltering and nobody wants to see his movies. Screw his personal life, he’s a good actor! Have you seen the Mission Improbable movies?” (I think he means Impossible.)

“And don’t even get me started on that b**** Katie Holmes.” (OK I think I’m beginning to understand.) “Stupid Jews!” he bellows. (And I’m lost again...but Katie Holmes isn’t Jewish...is she?) “They were the ones who really screwed things up.” he begins to weep. (Maybe he’s referencing the Jews open rejection of secular Easter traditions.) “Why won’t they leave Mel alone?” (Then again maybe not.)

“Mr. Gibson makes a few off color statements about African American Jews (?) and BAM no Mad Max Even Further Beyond Thunderdome! Even worse there’s no chance for Lethal Weapon 5!”

At this point he begins to weep openly. Through his sobs he mutters, ”I just don’t think I’ll do Easter this year, it’s too depressing.”

It was painfully obvious it was up to me to save Easter...again...(no wait that was Christmas; never mind). After calming the little lepus down I told him my well thought up master plan (which was made up as it was told) and he seemed delighted.

We spent the rest of the day scripting out a draft for a Lethal Weapon/ Mission Impossible 5 crossover sequel. Harvey could put copies in Mel and Tom’s baskets and hopefully they’d take the hint. Harvey hopped away that afternoon smiling, eager to hide eggs, fill baskets and bring joy to all good little children. And of course to pursue his own impossible mission.

John was crashed out from a chocolate pancake induced sugar rush and Frank had several funerals to attend. So it was just me when Red got home and inquired about my day. What could I say, it was a pretty good Friday.

II welcome almost all questions and comments via through Focus, or e-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com.

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

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