March 27, 2014
So Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong or your dream-girl has become a nightmare. Getting into a good relationship isn't easy but getting out of a bad one can be a little piece of hell. The emotion is gone but the ties that bind still remain. In the time you've shared as a couple you've possibly acquired children, pets, mutual friends, a house, material processions, property, places of interest, debts etc. Now you can't just leave, you are emotionally, physically and financially bound. Not so much to the other person but to the situation that has been created during the course of your relationship.
When all attempts at reconciliation have been exhausted and a mutual parting of ways isn't welcome you may find yourself literally bound and determined. So what do you do about it? How do you rise above and beyond a failed fairy tale? The sad truth is that there is no textbook, fail safe way to walk away from any relationship. With different people come different situations and the outcome is always unpredictable.
But fear not, there are a few basic universal guidelines to relationship termination. They won't tell you exactly what to do or how to do it (that varies per individual) but they might help steer you in the right, not to mention, realistic direction.
The Reason: The first thing to look at in a potential break-up is the reason behind it. What led a once happy, enamored couple to this point? Is the life shared not the one mutually wanted? Is there a new love interest for one or both? Or did time simply take its toll? The list of possible reasons is endless. But knowing the one that applies helps to lay a strong cornerstone for a successful break-up. In addition, if the desire for a parting of ways isn’t mutual the other person’s first question is going to be, “Why?”
Are YOU Certain?: Drama and poise aside once a reason is established the next big issue is one’s certainty. Is the end of this particular relationship really the solution? Or will the issues that cause your unhappiness go beyond it? Are your reasons for termination valid? Perhaps the problem that has brought out this desire is temporary or could be worked out with better communication. It’s better to be 100 percent certain than to spend the rest of your life in remorse.
You’re Both Adults: Once a reason is established and you’re certain this course of action is the one to take, making the other person aware of your intentions ASAP is key. There can be discussion, they can defend their side, but there’s no reason for a fight. You’re both adults and this will effect and involve both of you. The fact of the matter is if you want to end the relationship and the other person wants to fight about it there’s no point in treating them like a sane adult. Why would they fight someone if they didn’t want them to leave? Isn’t that counter productive on their part?
You Can’t Make Somebody Love You: This is perhaps the hardest thing for most people to grasp. There comes a point where no matter what you say, promise to change or do, they are no longer in love with you. Accepting this or helping the other person to accept it is a difficult but important step in a break-up. If they are still infatuated with you you’re already breaking their heart, there’s no good reason to break their spirit as well.
The Reality: Once it’s out there what happens next is unpredictable and uncertain. Even with a good reason, complete certainty, and regardless of whether it’s taken with mature dignity or childish resolve. Emotions aside the cold, hard reality is no matter how smooth and accepted a break-up is it’s rarely instantaneous so be prepared for the aftermath. Who stays and who goes? What about the kids? What about the dog? Who gets the car? Insurance, bank accounts, debts, divorce? All this things will have to be taken into account and handled eventually.
So be prepared, be sure of your intentions and be ready to deal with what happens before you say, ”It’s over.”
Next week: We put a chainsaw in a Subaru and test drive the car buying experience.
I welcome almost all questions and comments either through the Focus, or just E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!