‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was
Coming To Town!
December 19, 2013
Just a little note before we open this week’s bag-o-madness. This particular column is sort of a treat directed towards regular readers who have been following along for the past few years. My way of saying thanks via a column that is more enjoyable and may make some sense if you’re a regular. If you’re not a regular- sorry and you can go have yourself a yellow snow-cone.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, in the past it’s been said; I’ve fought snowmen, zombie reindeer and hordes of undead. But this tale takes place one day before; so we’ll start over again and add a little bit more.
‘Twas the night before the night before Christmas, and as for the Saw’s house; the shopping was done, and everyone had passed out. A shotgun was hung by the back door with care; in fear of what might be coming through there. The Tot was sprawled out; all snug in his crib; while Frank, John Q, and myself did a Mad Lib. (For those who don’t know or bother to care, Frank’s the Angel of Death, John’s a stuffed yellow bear.) John was telling a story, a holiday joke; Frank, as usual, was bumming a smoke. When from the roof there came a low thrumming; John peed himself a little and said, “Dracula’s coming!” Away to the window I flew like...WTF? Dracula? John said,”Yeah, Santa is Dracula, you ought to know.” Well I did write an article bout that once and so...
“You better look out, try not to cry. Run for your life or you’re gonna die! Dra-cu-la is coming to town! He creeps in when you’re sleeping, he knows if you’re awake! All the Twilight stuff is BS, so you better grab a stake! Oh you better watch out, you...
OK moving on that’s enough of that crap, at least it wasn’t a new age yuletide-based rap.
Yes, Santa and Dracula are one in the same; an undead blood sucker using two different names. But there is a good Santa so all wasn’t lost; could it be him? My fingers were crossed. False hopes of good Santa quickly eroded; as darkness swept in when the window imploded. Then, what to our wondering eyes should appear; the lord of the damned, yep Dracula’s here.
He was dressed all in black, this king of the flies; and a look of malevolence hung in his eyes. A long tattered cape clung to his frame, you could tell that his suit was Versace brand name. His fangs—long and pointy—his stance was wary! His lips were all bloody, this f***er was scary! He held out his hand, shaking his head; then he spoke and filled my heart with dread. “I’ve come to claim Christmas,” he started to say, “and you are all that stands in my way!”
“I’ll drink from the innocents and make their souls rot; and I’ll be starting my feast with your little grand-tot!” So I grabbed a chainsaw and John grabbed a... spatula? And we readied ourselves to do battle with Dracula...and...we lost.
Yeah, we lost! Seriously a stuffed bear and a chainsaw-handed psychopath versus the lord of the vampires? We didn’t stand a chance. Oh and as for Frank, well the Reaper’s not much good against people that are already dead. So I guess that’s it, sorry about all the kids who’ll be murdered on Christmas and turned into and undead army of...wait...what’s...that...noise?
Dracula heard it too and was turning around; when an undead reindeer flew in and knocked his ass down. Rudolph the zombie reindeer had come from the roof; and trampled the vampire lord with undead deer hoof. But hadn’t I killed Rudolph two years ago? Frank brought him back...he thought you should know. Dracula was down and ready to yield; when we were suddenly surrounded by Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. They took away Dracula in a big hurry; we were left standing there with Nicholas Fury. It was Samuel L. and I had to refrain; from asking about MFing snakes on his MFing plane. He laughed and he smiled the way Samuel L.’s do; looked at myself, the zombie, the reaper and Q. “Ya know you guys don’t exactly resemble what folks think when they hear AVENGERS ASSEMBLE.” Then he turned to leave as I awoke from this dream; he paused to say- “We’re putting together a team!” TO BE CONTINUED? Maybe?
Wishing you and yours a holiday that’s as free of suckiness as possible! Happy Hellidays everybody!
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!