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Slay Bells Ring

December 12, 2013

So...this is Christmas? And what have you done? Lights, carols, decorations, family gatherings, shopping, Figgie pudding, presents, the undead...Yes with all the distractions provided by this overly commercialized holiday, it’s an ideal setting for a full scale zombie invasion! All those shopping centers filled to max capacity, overflowing with over zealous shoppers, it’s a perfect way to spread the solanum virus and trigger a Class 4 outbreak. That’s the big one...we’re talking apocalypse here.

Can we assume most of you already have machetes and incendiary bombs on your list for Santa? Probably not. Probably haven’t checked your ammo supply or plotted your yuletide barricades either. Too busy decking the halls and ‘tis-ing the season I suppose.

Well rather than ruin your festive mood with scolding, here are a couple of revised X-mas tunes so even if you aren’t prepared, you can at least be aware.

JINGLE HELL— Rushing through the stores; fighting just to shop. Did he just bite that guy? Somebody call a cop! Then some lady screams, her blood is red and bright.

There’s corpses wandering round the mall; something isn’t right!

Oh, jingle hell, jingle hell, time to run away! Grab a gun to fight the dead, blow their a** away-ay! Jingle hell, jingle hell GET OUT OF THE WAY! No more time for caroling there’s zombies to slay!

An hour or two has passed; the virus quickly spread. Like in an ep-i-sode of The Walking Dead. Time to board up the house; find a place to hide. Do you have your copy of the Zombie Survival Guide?

Oh, jingle hell, jingle hell! Heed the words I say! If you get bit that’s tough s*** you’ll only last a day-ay. Jingle hell, jingle hell now GET OUT OF THE WAY! No more time for caroling there’s zombies to slayyyyyy! Yeah!

UNDEAD WONDERLAND -— Slay bells ring; are you listening? In the street, blood is glistening. A horrific sight, there’s terror tonight, Running through an undead wonderland. Gone away is your mommy. She’s turned into a zombie. Yeah that seems wrong but we’d best move along. Running through an undead wonderland.

In the mall we’ll see a babe in latex, camouflaged in black green and brown.

She’ll say, “Are you married?” You’ll say, No Man! The wife got bit and so I’m single now. Later on we’ll conspire. On ways to kill zombies with fire. To face unafraid,

the plans that we’ve made. Running through an undead wonderland.

In the hardware aisle we can steal a chainsaw, and fill it with a mix of oil and gas.

We’ll have lots of fun with mister chainsaw and stick it up a fallen zombie’s....umm. When they moan ain’t it thrillin’, Behind our barricade we’ll be chillin’.

We’ll fight and slay the American way! Running through an undead wonderland.

How utterly inspirational! Well now if that didn’t put you in the Christmas spirit well...then you’re pretty normal. At least you can’t say you haven’t been warned.

Just remember folks: though the threat of mindless corpses walking amongst us is unlikely, there’s no point in you acting like one when you’re out for the holidays. Be courteous and have some couth. Is it really worth lowering yourself and ruining someone else’s cheer to get that sale item? Don’t be a prick and if you must be, shop online... I do! Wait, I think I just indirectly insulted myself.

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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