Embracing The Holidays...
In A Strangle Hold!
December 5, 2013
“O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree, why did you just fall on me? In flashing lights I am entwined, is that an ornament in my behind?!? O Christmas tree, O Christmas treeeee...now get this damned thing off of me!” (A short excerpt from “So...this is Christmas?” the Chainsaw Christmas classic collection.)
Well here we are. We’ve been thankful, suffered turkey induced comas and survived Black Friday. Halfway through the Hellidays and into the final stretch—the mad rush till Christmas. Gotta finish shopping, hang the lights, trim the tree, mail the cards, wrap the presents, plan the meal, patrol the graveyards, watch the skies for undead reindeer...OK, the last two are all me. In short it’s time to reignite all those traditional practices that surface as the year and season rapidly race to a close.
Speaking of penguins...no wait that’s something else...speaking of traditions, in years gone by it has become common for this column to “hate the holidays” and all the traditional crap that goes along with them. We’ve hated on everything from Christmas cards to mismatched manger scenes and everything in between. Paragraph after paragraph loaded with negativity. Honestly, all that hate and aggravation is rather taxing and tiring. So this year let’s break tradition, try something new and take a more positive approach.
I like walking into a store during the holidays and hearing a traditional Christmas carol playing. Not a revision, remake or remix but a classic from the likes of Bing Crosby or Burl Ives. People who think anything done by Mariah Carey is classic piss me off, not to mention newer “traditional” Christmas tunes. They’re either so sporadic and overly cheery your brain has a seizure or are severely depressing. Like that gawd awful Christmas Shoes song. Seriously? This poverty stricken kid’s mom is on her death bed and he’s out using his last cent to buy friggin’ shoes. It’s so stupid I could puke and if you disagree well, SORRY I prefer some holiday cheer as opposed to a pre-empt to suicide due to the sad state of affairs our....this isn’t working. Let’s try again.
Artificial trees are neat. I wonder where the artificial tree forest where they come from is? The pre-lit ones save a butt load of time. It’s funny how people get excited when they decide to have a “real” tree. Yeah, you sure did and now it’s “real” dead. So since it’s dead doesn’t that make it artificial? Think about that. Murdering trees aside, I like to wonder why no one’s created an umbrella like artificial tree, like in the How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I enjoy that classic Seuss ‘toon. Then Jim Carrey and Ron Howard gang-raped it and left it for dead...still not working...umm.
Hey, speaking of Christmas movies I love It’s a Wonderful Life and Die Hard. I also like that Tim Allen finally stopped his little piece of hell and that there won’t be another Santa Clause film...until they remake them. I hope that he’s alive to watch future generations destroy his films. I hate remakes of Christmas movies. I especially hate that they don’t even acknowledge the originals. Because it would reveal that they suck in comparison.
Screw it! Here we go!
I hate mixed decorating themes. If it blows up or lights up, people will stick anything in their yards. I hate seeing mechanical reindeer surrounding a nativity scene. I think I’d remember that part if it were in Silent Night. Seriously, WTF? I hate everybody wanting donations so everyone can have a nice Christmas. Umm, hello if I give you all my money I can’t have a nice Christmas. Oh and don’t say “It’s not about the money.” If that’s the case then you’ll have no problem if I keep mine. I hate that that was kind of an a-hole thing to say...I do donate and want everyone, especially little kids to have a Christmas...but I hate admitting it.
Well this just isn’t going anywhere near where is was supposed to...I hate that, too. Sigh, oh well I tried.
Tune in next week as we continue to hate the holidays, or for a heartfelt discussion on weapons you can buy for that Zombie apocalypse survivalist on your list.
Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via Focus, or just E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!