The TRUTH About
November 28, 2013
This time of year it’s common to see little kids getting off school buses wearing paper pilgrim hats or construction paper Indian feathers. Yes, the school’s start feeding those lies to kids in the first years of their education. Lies? Yes-lies; the Thanksgiving holiday is just a cover up for the oldest conspiracy of our great nation. So forget everything you think you know about “turkey day” and I’ll lay out what really went down.
It all started at the Roanoke settlement back in 1587 when the aliens invaded. It is speculated that they had lost their way and were searching for a fuel source which they detected on the new continent’s coastline—or a beer run.
Regardless of the reason, their presence incited panic and sadly those early settlers fell rather quickly in the sights of the aliens’ death rays. However, early Native American accounts say that the pioneers’ corpses rose up and began to assault the extraterrestrial intruders. This could have been a result of radiation emitting from the space ship. The aliens fled, leaving the Indians to deal with the zombie hoard. We know this to be true because of the word CROATOAN found carved into a tree at the Roanoke settlement. Which roughly translates, “Look out for the zombies!”
In 1620 the Mayflower crashed into Plymouth Rock during an ill fated attempt at the first “beer run.” DUI’ didn’t exist in 1620, so charges were not filed. During the course of the next year the settlers made peace with the Natives. Of course this was only after quoting the lyrics to Indian Outlaw thus proving they were not zombies. All the crap you read in the history books is pretty much accurate from this point on. Till you get to November of the following year.
1621 was a good year for the Pilgrims. Their new friends the Indians had been very helpful and the harvest was plentiful. They were bringing in the last of the crops when the aliens returned. Upon first sighting the alien craft, the settlers proclaimed it was an object, they could not identify it, and it was flying. So the called it “big, scary, silver bird-thing.” The flying saucer crash landed into one of the fields. The pioneers were terrified but their new found Native allies prepared to fight.
The crafts hatch opened slowly, casting a greenish glow from within. That’s when the ninjas jumped out!
You see in 1587 when the aliens had fled from the zombies, they lost control of their ship and crash landed into a Buddhist temple in China. It had taken 34 years for the Chinese to understand the alien technology (which explains why they’re so far ahead of us in that field). Now, using the aliens’ vessel, they had come to claim the new world for their own. That or they were making a beer run; documentation is a little fuzzy on that.
Either way, when they exited that ship all hell broke loose. Muskets were fired, arrows were shot, and throwing stars were thrown. Despite superior firepower, the pioneers were losing badly to the fighting skills of these space men from the east.
That’s when the flock of turkeys wandered in. The invaders saw these birds as holy divinities sent from Buddha himself (turkeys look fat, like Buddha). They dropped their weapons and bowed to these flightless fowl. The Pilgrims and Indians took this opportunity to bash the ninjas’ brains in. That’s when the space ship backfired, sending out a massive burst of heat and fire and flash-frying the whole flock of turkeys.
Not wanting to let the meat go to waste, the Pilgrims and Indians used the ninjas’ swords to carve the birds up. As they ate they spoke of how “thankful” they were they didn’t get their a**es handed to them by the ninjas, and thus—the first Thanksgiving.
If you’re wondering what happened to the space ship, well that’s common knowledge. They decided it was bad, so they built a huge wagon and loaded it up. Some brave men volunteered to haul it as far away as they could. They made it almost all the way across the continent; till the wagon broke down in what is now known as the Nevada desert.
Note: This is a Chainsaw Classic Column.
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