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Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All,

It Is Thanksgiving

November 21, 2013

The time of thanks is close at hand. Soon, very soon, we’ll gather with our families to share a meal. Carving the roast rabbit, digging into Aunt Ida’s poinsettia casserole, sharing a beer, while reading valentine resolutions, with Vincent Price and John Wayne’s Christmas Classic collection on the stereo...what the f*** did I just smoke? Hold on! OK let’s try that again. We’ll be sharing a meal with our loved ones. Hopefully, whilst stuffing our faces, we’ll pause for a moment, reflecting on all the things we’ve had to be thankful for during the past year.

Personally a large lump of negativity arises this time of year at the mere thought of the impending holiday season. However it is impossible (even for myself ) to deny that there are a few things to truly be thankful for. Gainful employment. A lovely wife, delightful daughter, sweet tot, and happy family...most days. A place to hang my hat and a hat to need a place to be hung. There’s a roof over my head, food in my guts and I’m above ground and moving. So all said and done there are a few thanks to think about.

Of course there are probably quite a few of you who are trying to figure out what, if anything, you have to be thankful for. Well look no further because what follows is a universal list of things that you cannot deny being thankful for.

1. You have eyes and are literate. If you’d lost your eyes (or if they were stolen) or if you’re illiterate you couldn’t be reading this; unless someone is reading it to you. In which case you can be thankful for…

2. A friend who will read to you (and won’t make fun of your poor education). If someone is taking the time to read to you, they must be your friend or at least care about you. So that means you can be thankful that…

3. Someone cares about you enough to spend time with you. Of course, you may not want friends and are reading this all alone. In which case you should give thanks for…

4. Anti-social disorders and PRIVACY! In this day and age, that is a rare commodity and should be enjoyed. Of course about the only way you can truly get privacy is if you’re reading this in a bathroom. Which means you have to be thankful for …?

5. Indoor plumbing! Without it, where could you read and poo at the same time in private? Doing both in public might be bad. If you are in the bathroom then a big thanks should be given because…

6. You can poop! If you couldn’t then eventually you would explode...or seep. So be thankful you’re not a walking fecal matter bomb. Speaking of bombs, you can be thankful that…

7. There will probably never be a R.I.P.D. 2. Which was basically M.I.B. with dead people (ghosts, not zombies) instead of aliens, but sucked. However it does remind you to be thankful for...

8. Abbreviations! Without them how would you be able to text by turning phrases and whole sentences into a series of letters? Idk! Btw a BIG TY 4....

9. Illiteracy! Which is where this whole country’s headed if we don’t encourage kids to stop using texting as a primary form of communication. But at least then you can be thankful for...

10. A friend who will read to you. Because if someone is taking the time to read to you, they must...wait...didn’t we do that one already? Well hell, OK let’s just be thankful for...

11. Random repetition and it’s repetitive randomness! Which leads you into being thankful for...

12. This column that appears repetitively each week with random subjects to entertain you. And if it’s successful, you can be thankful for the…

13. Grin on your face, which comes with the chuckle. That lets me know I can be thankful that I made you smile.

And if you didn’t smile and still feel you have nothing to be thankful for, or because you suffer from a low IQ and the humor went right over your head, remember— Ignorance is bliss and you can be thankful you’re too stupid to care.

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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