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Primitive Mind Set

November 7, 2013

FOREWARNING: What follows is utter chaos. We will be subject hopping at damned near the speed of light...or sound. Of course you can’t really hear newsprint and if not at the speed of light you wouldn’t be able to see it either. So let’s just say pretty fast and very sporadically. Sloths are slow but can be violent if they are armed with 9mm pistols. See? Didn’t see that coming did you? So let’s get rolling!

“Alright guys this is a blues rift from B. Watch me for the changes and...try to keep up!” (quoted from Marty McFly as portrayed by Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future).

There is a certain majestic quality to really bad movies. Especially ones set in an impossibly ridiculous scenario. Case in point SHARKNADO. The initial concept holds a bit of logic. Thousands of sharks are driven inland by a hurricane. Plucked out of the ocean by tornadoes (which are a result of said hurricane), then they rain down upon an un-expecting Beverly Hills populace. Flaws in said logical plot begin to develop immediately. The most predominant being that most sharks can only survive for a few minutes out of water. However, when watching a film of such high integrity, logic must be abandoned to ensure enjoyment. Yes it is a terrible movie but any film using chainsaws to combat flying sharks is a must see. Especially if it’s tolerated with a big bowl of Fruit Brute to snack on.

Ah yes Fruit Brute, the classic “Monster” cereal with a werewolf mascot. Pulled form the shelves in 1976 and returning for the first time this year with the other monsters Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry for their exclusive Halloween-only appearance. We won’t even mention the Fruity Yummy Mummy (oops just did) which was basically the Brute concept repackaged. Gawd cereal used to be so cool and fun which has nothing to do with the question of...

Can you make fire? No not in a BBQ grill or with the aid of gasoline, charcoal or lighter fluid. Also not in the sense of rubbing two sticks together. Rather in the sense of using a match or lighter can you build a fire that you could feed and keep going? No there is not an app for this on your f***ing i-Phone. You have to use your hands and common sense. And once you got it started could you put it out?

Did you know there used to be mini-fire axes kept behind breakable glass at schools and other public facilities? Do you know how to use an axe in the event of a building fire? They’re not just for breaking down doors.

See, lack of basic knowledge is why so many people won’t survive a full scale undead apocalypse. Everybody always thinks it’ll be great fun running around shooting zombies but there’s a lot more to it than that. Eventually there’s no power, no water and you’re out of ammo. How will you cut wood and build a fire to cook over if all you know is how to heat up Hot Pockets and frozen pizzas in the microwave? Oh, you’ve got a generator. Well gas doesn’t last forever and due to current gas prices there’s no way you’ve got a infinite supply stowed away.

Wake up people, don’t you see that our current economy will be our downfall? Don’t you see that “We The People” who once stood so tall are enslaved by our own government? How many folks would simply die out if not for government assistance? For gawd’s sake they can’t make it now, how will they fare during a crisis when the government ceases to be? Zombies? Aliens? Sharknado?

It’s funny how our ancestors weeded out the helpless and the useless. Not just to further the advance of the human race but to do something much more simple: survive. This sounds brutal in our “modern” society but if we carried on our predecessors’ methods you can be assured of two things:

1. We could all make fire and 2. Fruit Brute would be available year ‘round.

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

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