THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR
BUT FEAR ITSELF…
AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!
October 31, 2013
HELL-O-WEEN...IS...UPON...US! Tonight as darkness falls, shrouding the land in a blanket of shadows, the dead and undead will rise and walk among the living. Spirits will wander through the streets. Spectres and lost souls will emerge from their graves, as the ground yawns, preparing for a long winter’s rest. Witches and warlocks will summon demons into our world to do their dark bidding. For this is the night on which the thin walls of our reality become their thinnest. Tonight anything goes...in the shadows...in the blackness of our souls.
Mere mortals will cower in their homes, praying for the dawn. Those who choose to brave the night will constantly check over their shoulders for fear of what might be lurking in a dark corner or shadowed doorway. Some will rise to the challenge and take up the mantle of the anti-hero. Stepping into the night fully ready and prepared to do battle with the forces of evil, to hold the balance in check for another year’s cycle.
Yes Hell-o-ween is upon us so beware...BEWAARRRREEEE! Unless of course you’re not reading this on its publication date, October 31st. If you’re reading this the following morning, weekend or hell, maybe even the next week, all this BEWARE- BEWARE is pretty pointless...or too late...and you are dead.
But if you were dead you wouldn’t be reading this now would you? Unless you’re a ghost. In which case I am personally very flattered that you have decided to read my column in the afterlife. Let’s take a moment to thank all the readers who have continued to further their quest for pointless knowledge beyond the grave. OK, moment’s over, moving on.
The fact is there’s a good chance you aren’t reading this on Halloween. So it would seen utterly ridiculous to have this entire column FOCUS (product placement) on Halloween related fears. No worries, we’ll just make a quick rundown of fears faced year ‘round. Most of which are much more frightening than any you might encounter on All Hallows Eve. Things like...
Obamacare! Wow we could just stop right there. Before we go on, all hard working Americans take a moment to catch your breath. Try not to think about what will happen when two presidents from now they try to undo all Obama’s done and we start all over. Oooo let’s drop politics, it’s way too scary a subject. Makes your guts squirm.
Like when you’re halfway to work and realize you left your keys and cell phone on the kitchen table.
An unfamiliar car in your driveway when you return home.
A stranger in your house.
A stranger in your bed. Being cheated on. Trying to decide where to hide the bodies.
Noticing how many animal bodies litter our roadways.
The fact that people can’t text and drive safely but still try like hell.
Hitting a larger animal because you were texting and driving.
Hitting another human being with your car. Realizing it wasn’t a human being but a Bigfoot. Realizing the Bigfoot was not killed in the collision. Getting your ass kicked and then being bitten by an angry Bigfoot. Finding out that that particular Bigfoot had herpes.
The fact that the word Bigfoot clears spell-check but Obama does not.
Squirrels who seem to be f***ing with you by darting back and forth in the road.
Squirrels that just sit and stare at your house. Toddlers who pause mid-play and stare into space.
The fact that we’re overpopulated and there’s not enough space.
Space Jam 2.
Despite all the technological advancements in education kids today don’t understand classic Looney Tunes.
Getting older. Realizing your life is probably already half over.
Wondering when the “good part” is supposed to happen. Realizing it did and you missed it. Finding out life isn’t short and for the most part is a pretty boring game but a tasty cereal.
Coming to the conclusion that if you were a squirrel you’d f*** with people too...maybe that’s what those toddlers are in such deep thought about.
Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via Focus, or just E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!