HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes
October 24, 2013
Fall has fallen upon us, it’s a little colder, a little darker. October has arrived and this poor month has only one thing going for it- Hell-o-ween! The stores have filled their shelves with assorted candies and a wide array of spooky s*** to decorate your house and yard with. And of course if you have kids you are well aware that the selections of costumes for this year have made their blood-curdling, appearance. Not so much as the costumes themselves are scary; it’s the price tags.
So what’ll it be this year? Angry birds, SpongeBob or one of the wide variety of Pixar or Disney characters? Maybe with the large number of comic based films this year your child might be a mighty Avenger or a member of the Justice League. Either way you’ll shell out around forty bucks so they can spend one night as their favorite hero. With an extra twenty thrown in for lights, candy bags and costume accessories. Of course it’ll be cold and dark so the kid will be wearing a coat while they go out. The mask will come off and be left in the car either because it’s hot, they can see or they forget. The lights, bags and “accessories” will end up in your hands. So all totaled, you pay about sixty dollars so your kid can walk around looking like a kid.
Of course store bought, adult outfits are even more pointless and expensive; especially the women’s. Cheap vinyl and cotton get-ups, with short skirts and low bust-lines run any where from fifty to well over a hundred dollars. Naughty Nurse, Naughty Fire-girl, Naughty Elmo, Naughty… well basically put the word “naughty” in front of any occupation or any word for that matter and there ya go. Let’s be honest and just call it ‘being a hooker.’ Seriously; the get-ups look like they came right out of a hooker’s fetish collection. OK, I digress; the ironic point is when you break the word “costume” down it: cost u and me. Lots of folks are wasting lots of money, on cheaply made garments they’ll only wear one night. Now since there is a lack of time (Halloween’s next week) and over-all creativity, here are a few quick, cheap and easy ideas for adult costumes that you can make at home.
Start by using the most basic of costumes “the white bed sheet ghost” and with a few adjustments you can make something new and exciting. Add a broomstick and you’ve got a boy ghost, or some cantaloupes and a cheap bra and you have a girl ghost. Use spray paint to put a brown smear down the middle of your sheet and voila- you’re used toilet paper. If you add green splotches to your sheet, you become a giant snot-rag. Mix all the colors together and you become modern art…or vomit; your call. Be your own billboard; write a message on your sheet that others can read when you spread your arms like…well everything that comes to mind won’t go into print, so use your own dirty imagination.
Of course as simple as that concept is, that may be too much for some. Maybe you’re one of those people who think the whole idea of getting dressed up is ridiculous and just for kids. Then you find yourself at a party or other social function and feel out of place, because you’re the only one not in costume. No worries; with the right verbal response your street clothes “are” your costume, just use one of these lines: “I’m just you’re average American,” “I’m the last straight guy,” “I’m a psychotic serial killer; we look just like everyone else,” “I’m the Invisible Man…damn, the formula wore off,” -“I’m the guy that gets killed in every horror flick…but it hasn’t gotten to that part in the movie yet,” “I’m an amnesia patient… where’s the beer again?” or “I’m schizophrenic…no, I’m not.”
Whether you decide to blow your cash on retro grade underwear or do your own thing, be responsible in the party environment. No disguise can mask you from an accident or DUI. Seriously; it would be nice to get through one Halloween with out hearing about some innocent little kids getting run down by a drunk driver. And stay tuned Hell-o-ween concludes next week.
Editor’s note: This column is a Chainsaw Classic!
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