September 5, 2013
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME-EEEE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOO-WOO-WOO MEEEEEE! I’d like to thank those of you who remembered and took the time to commemorate my arrival into this world. All the e-mails, g-mails, texts, virtual bouquets and CGIed singing kittens with chainsaws slaying zombies were very appreciated. Ya know all that online love and adoration made me kind of misty; it truly touched my heart. It let me know there are caring considerate people out there. The sad thing is that even though you sent them none of them ever made it to my inbox. Not a single one...
Of course maybe I’m jumping the gun here. After all, this is being written on the 1st, the earliest you could be reading it is on the 5th and the day in question falls in the middle. Ergo by the time this is read you may have sent your “best birthday wishes.” That’s gotta be it! Sure, you’ll wait till the actual day to send out that anticipated e-mail...no you won’t. You didn’t send one and for ****’s sake don’t send a belated one now! Belated can easily be defined as—you didn’t give a s*** till you were reminded and then felt guilty. And you should feel guilty. You can’t even take a moment of your precious time to send a two word, 13 letter text or e-mail one day out of the year. God you suck!...(laughter)
Actually I don’t care. Seriously, I could give a happy crap less about having a day, which is more stress and aggravation than anything, acknowledged. So you’re off the hook by default...not that you gave a s*** in the first place anyway.
Much like myself actually believing that you would take the time to wish me a Happy B-day most of our lives are lived in a delusional fantasy. A fantasy that is slowy torn away by age and the passage of our time here. We’re not talking about physical attributes, the way our bodies break and slow down. Rather at how our mental faculties change as the years roll by, each passing year pulling yet another curtain back to reveal that there is not, nor will there ever be, a wizard.
To put it in more simplistic terms, think of how your perception of the world and life in general has changed since you were a child or a teenager. Now think about how as time goes by and reality takes its toll how many of your hopes and dreams have become hopeless dreams. Geez-us that sounds so depressing...let’s try a different approach. Let me share with you a few realizations I’ve had in the past few decades.
Regardless of what I jump off the roof with, flight will forever elude me. I will never own a jet-pack or get super powers. Adamantium will never be bonded to my skeleton and metal claws will never pop from the backs of my hands (sadly, I am old enough to realize how useless that would be anyway).
Life is monotonous. I will never be rich, pretty or famous...cute maybe.
Dragons, unicorns, bigfoots (bigfeets?) and UFO’s will most likely never grace my eyes. Sesame Street is not a real place. No matter how bad something seems there is always something worse. The U.S. government will never show up at my door needing my assistance. I will never be called to share a grand adventure. Life is monotonous. Sex is not the best thing. Cake is also not the best thing. A good poop may be the best thing. We didn’t start recycling soon enough. People are getting stupider. Time-travel isn’t possible...for me...I will never own a Delorean. There is no magic left in this world. Cereals with marshmallows are like sweetly violent laxatives. People lie a lot. Future generations are doomed; I fear for all tots. Most of all I have come to the realization that if the apocalypse doesn’t happen soon I’ll be too old to enjoy it! How un-cool would it be to “wander the wastelands” in search of Geritol and Depends?
I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or send your happy b-day E-mails to email@example.com
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya.