THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1
August 15, 2013
When the uneducated masses contemplate the dictionary, often they think of it in Ten Commandment terms. An age old set of rules for diction and vocabulary, set in stone and unchanging.
In truth, the dictionary is constantly shifting and changing to keep up with our growing world and terminology. Did you know that each year hundreds if not thousands of words are considered and a choice few added to it. Simultaneously older words are altered or removed from it. All the while vocabularians (a yet to be added but recognized term for creators of new words) continue to challenge Webster’s by creating new words and terms. Posing the question of how can any word not be considered a word? After all Webster’s itself defines a word as: a letter or group of letters, written, printed or spoken, having meaning and representing a unit of language.
So technically, anything you say that can be written down, sounded out and defined is a word. So since everyone else is doing it I figured why not screw with the English language a little and quote a few of my own vocabularianisms. Here are some new words of my own and some old ones redefined.
Attack: something used to hold papers to a bulletin board.
Band-aids: a disease that can be contracted by groupies.
Bastitch: an illegitimate female dog.
Catoholic: a feline with a drinking problem.
Chocolatear: what is produced when you cry from getting powdered Nestle Quik in your eyes.
Clubbing: what they do to baby seals.
Cluster- f***: an orgy gone horribly wrong.
Constitrating: having a deep thought, while you try to move your bowels.
Cruise missile: (as in Tom) something you aim at your career to destroy it.
Daisy Dukes: Catherine Bach clones.
Diarrear: when nasty stuff is coming out of your ear.
Exhaustipated: when you’re tired of someone’s s***.
Fasturbating: when something is so fascinating it makes you want to pleasure yourself.
Unification: ficationing just once.
Fortification: Four unifications.
Gladiator: what to say if your ex-girlfriend is devoured by a lion (glad-he-ate-her).
Hambooger: pig snot.
Hormone: the sound a prostitute makes.
Inseferiority: when a person feels insecure because they are inferior.
l.i.c.e.: abbreviation for- little, itchy, critters, everywhere.
Monkey: a device used to gain entrance to a monastery.
Neo-nazi: swastikas made out of neon.
Poke’mon: what happens in a Jamaican prison.
Pornification: when a guy tries to justify the porn his girlfriend found in his apartment.
Prosticute: underage hooker.
Psychopath: nature trail for crazy people.
Retire: to put new tires on your car.
Retired: when you get up and realize you need to go back to bed.
Rigormortified: when you’re so embarrassed you wish you were dead.
Sewerside: attempting to kill yourself, by jumping into an open manhole.
Technicowlity: technical problems caused by cows.
Windshield factor: the temperature of your car’s windshield on a cold morning.
Outta space, outta time and to some, out of my friggin mind.
We’ll pick up here next week with Vol. 2 and then move onto something less constitrating.
I welcome all questions, comments, and column suggestions, via Focus, or e-mail me at my new email address– firstname.lastname@example.org
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya.