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One Last Razzle Dazzle

Smokin’ Hail Mary Pass

September 29, 2016

Regular long-time readers will recognize this week’s topic as yet another installment in one of this column’s longest running jokes. Thank you for your continued patronage. Random visitors, first timers and irregular readers will catch onto the punch-line quickly enough. And thanks for nothing… yet. In truth, it’s kind of sad and borderline depressing, that what actually comes down to a matter of life and possibly drawn out excruciating death can reach the status of “running joke.” Then again this writer views life as nothing more than a drawn out excruciating death, so the humor balances out.

What is this sincerely depressing ominously inside-joke styled topic? Here’s a hint- SMOKING! OK that wasn’t really a hint, more of a blatant, in your face announcement, but its need to be addressed doesn’t allot time for guessing games. So let’s cut to the chase, shall we? From this point those of you who are true “smokers” will relate with a sad sigh and resigning nod. Those who aren’t… well, lucky you.

So what defines a “true smoker”? Well just because you smoke doesn’t make you a smoker. Yes, that does sound rather contradictory. The fact is, it is not a matter that you smoke but rather how much you smoke that defines your status in the tobacco filled, nicotine fueled, hacking and coughing circle of life…or death depending on your perspective. Incidentally, if you don’t inhale, then you have no place in the circle.

If you only smoke around certain people, just on the weekends, or smoke when you drink, then you are what is known as a “social smoker.” A social’s consumption usually consists of no more than a pack a week (usually less). In most cases, they can easily put it down and walk away without batting an eye. Though they may have to change their weekend plans and find new friends.

On the other end of the spectrum there are “chain smokers.” These poor souls light up the moment they get up. Then light the next off the first, the third off the second and so forth. If they’re conscious and breathing, they’re breathing nicotine laced smoke. Sometimes they’ll awake in the night to take a smoke break. A chain gang member can consume an average of three packs a day. Walking away isn’t an option.

True smokers fall somewhere in the middle. In most cases their smokes are set to a tight schedule which, if interrupted, throws off their entire daily routine. Though the routine may vary, they usually take in roughly a pack a day, give or take a coffin nail. They rely on a snubbed butt to mark the passage of daily events. There’s also one thing that sets them for the most apart from other types of smokers. They’re always thinking and silently desiring that they could quit.

And cue the punch-line… because this would be like the ump-teen thousandth article I’ve written on quitting smoking. Well maybe not that many, but the attempts have obviously been unsuccessful, which explains why we’re here again for the last time…or adding another sad chuckle to the running gag.

Now traditionally in an anti-smoking article such as this (how f***’d up is it that we can call it “traditional” and that’s OK?) we’d go through the effects smoking has on your body and the reasons why you should quit. If you’re a smoker then you’re already familiar with the effects; you’re feeling them and you know why so we’re not going to bother.

We’ll also not seek out the “best way to quit and stay quit!” That’s all BS because there is no best way. In truth there is only one way and that is the one that works for you! Of course, no matter what method you try, you’ll fail unless YOU are truly determined and have the willpower to follow through. Smoking is a habit and habits are very hard to break.

So before you even consider quitting find your reason. Find your quit smoking muse and latch onto it, use it as an anchor and never let go! Personally mine begins with my absolute refusal to ever have to write a column entitled, Have Chainsaw Will Travel proudly presents--- Chainsaw’s Losing Battle with Terminal Lung Cancer!

Next week: Helloween begins!

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




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