FUN TYme ? of TRiViAL!

wiF John Q.

March 31, 2016

Hello dear regular reader and esteemed guests. Welcome to this week’s stunning edition of Have Chainsaw Will Travel. We have a lot in store for you this column. So sit back, relax and enjoy! OK let’s cut the crap and skip to the chase. Your beloved writer (that would be me, unless you’ve been cheating, you dirty little tramp) just spent the last 24 hours covering kitchen counter tops. The last three of which were spent wrestling a vexatious sink into place. Needless to say- I am drained...hahahaha! You see when s*** like that seems funny, it’s time not to write. And so, this week I bow out and leave you to the tender graces of my stuffed, yellow bear associate, John Q. May Gawd have mewcy upon your souls!

HEWO EVEWEBODY!!! Mr. Chainsaw is wore out verwy much so he tells me I can do a storwey. So I did a title and want to sharwe stuff I have lewered on the Enternet. There is lots of fascirating stuff...and naked peoples. But I have been doing intewesting wesearch and found lots of facts about toys and aminals, of which I am both of. So beforwe the spewl check goes to the crawzies I will cut and paste some facts cuz cutting and pasting are fun to do.

Batman is not actually a bat (I was shocked and disappointed). A snail’s reproductive organs are in its head. (Ewww, head weenies teehee). The yo-yo was originally designed as a weapon (Duh! I have taken down many a ninja tuwtle with mine). Turtles are nice (unless they are ninja tuwtles). Silly Putty is created by mixing silicone and boric acid (How silly). Stupid Putty is created mixing stupid and putty. Sheep buried in snowdrifts can survive for up to two weeks. (How mean! Who fweezes sheep?). G.I. Joe was named after a carrier pigeon (But thewe arwe no pigeons in their cartoon show- that’s wacist!). Iguanas can and do commit suicide (If I wuz an ugly old Iguana I’d do suicide too). Poodles cannot fly. (Well they can’t). During World War II the U.S. Armed Forces commissioned View-Master reels for training purposes. (The awmy used to be a lot funner). Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike (How would they know?). The creature with the largest brain in relation to its body is the ant. Ants do not sleep (They think too much). Horses, rabbits and rats can’t vomit (So when they have the sick...where does it go?). A rat can last longer without water than a camel can. (Cuz it won’t vomit any owt). The powder inside of an Etch-A-Sketch is aluminum (But is it wecyclable?). Cat-woman isn’t a cat (Kitties have 6 boobies and thw’re not that big). It takes 63 feet of wire to make one slinky (And if you get stuck in one it is a big suck). Squids can commit suicide by eating their own tentacles (Why all the aminal suicidalness?

If I was an icky old squid I’d eat my... wait what are tentacles?). In 1972 Pong was the first successful video game (What’s Pong?) Elephants can live up to 77 years in the wild but average 24 in captivity (So why captivity them? Isn’t that wike sorta muwder?). All pet hamsters are descendants of a single female wild golden hamster found with a litter of 12 in Syria in 1930 (What a twamp). Bears can actually get cavities from too much honey (Unwess they do daily bwushing wike me...and I don’t gots teeth). Lego’s name comes from the Danish phrase “leg godt” (“play well”) (Let’s play well wif the play wells). Humans are animals and they are weirdos. Humans wook at, admiwre and touch each other’s butts! Don’t they know that’s whewe the poop comes owt? Humans are dumb heehee and wike poopie butts...teehee. Humans wike poops...humans also...uhoh...

What are you doing? Let me see this. POOPIE BUTTS??? What are you writing here? I leave you in charge for one day and it’s poop and butts? That’s it, you’re done here… no you can’t have candy! Poopie butts indeed.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!