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Remember: ‘Funeral’

Starts With FU!

March 10, 2016

FOREWARNING/DISCLAIMER: This week’s edition will lightly touch on the subject of one’s passage from this world into parts unknown. Actually it handles it pretty much like a pubescent 13 year old boy would handle being in a strip club, all over the place and no idea what to do with himself. We’ll also briefly hit on the afterlife, reincarnation and various religious beliefs on the subject. For those more sensitive readers or those who don’t like their religious convictions challenged please—read something else. Do not bother to assault the writer with your “beliefs” on what happens when people die. The truth is nobody really knows. Dead men (and women- equality!) tell no tales.

“Won’t you my funeral when my days are done. Life’s not long and so I hope when I am finally dead and gone, That you’ll gather round, when I am lowered into the ground.” (Lyrics from- At My Funeral; by the Crash Test Dummies).

It goes without saying that I confuse people. The patiently respectful folks at the funeral home were no exception when discussing my “final arrangements.” No, I’m not dying or anything. But planning for one’s funeral in advance takes the burden off of your loved ones when they are mourning your passing...that’s what the radio ad said anyway. Besides I had nothing better to do. After a walk through, complete with an oft rehearsed and worn presentation, we got down to the brass tacks...or coffin nails. That’s when things got intriguing.

You can pick your own coffin or have one custom made and have it lined with whatever you like. Though they prefer a suit or dress (which with current cross dressing issues is probably debatable) you can choose your own wardrobe. Beyond that point there are some heavy restrictions about what can go in the ground with you. To my dismay, one cannot be buried with a chainsaw or shotgun. This was a major disappointment because if there turns out to be a Hell, I’d like to go armed. On the lighter side you can take worries of cancer or second hand smoke at this point, I suppose.

Back to Hell for a moment (two sentences ago; pay attention) it seems odd that cremation costs considerably less than burial. Your passage into the afterlife by fire may be decided by your budget. So poor sinners are gonna get burned regardless? Of course that’s just your “earthly vessel” but why keep the ashes? Would people keep the body if that were an option?

Yes you can go burnt to ashes or whole and hearty...minus your internal fluids. But you can’t do both. This shot my idea of grave side cremation all to hell...figuratively speaking. Imagine an open casket by the grave. When the eulogy is finished, two respectable men in black douse your casket in gasoline. As the coffin is lowered into the ground loved ones can flip matches till one catches. Once in the hole toss in a couple of bags of charcoal and roll the grill over top. You would get to treat your family and friends to a personally flavored farewell was at this point they asked me to kindly leave the premises. That’s fine; my current budget wouldn’t really allot funds for advanced burial anyway...or a barbeque.

In the grand scheme of things does it really matter how your body is disposed of? It sounds terrible to put it that way but let’s call it like it is. The truth is funerals are designed to be lackluster and easily forgotten. But why? Because once you are gone people want to celebrate and mourn the life you lived not memorialize and glorify your death. However, if you view it from a religious perspective, that logic seems kind of backwards. If a person has “lived a good life” wouldn’t a funeral be a rite of passage onto heavenly rewards? Kind of like crossing life’s finish line?

In reality funerals are a final FU from the world, the end of it all for you and the first step towards being forgotten. Yes memories will be carried on by the living but you will cease to exist and have no knowledge of the goings on after the fact. Gawd, that sucks, that is such a depressing note to end on...hmmm OK let’s do this: The good news is if you’re reading this you must be alive right now, so that’s a positive thing...unless you thought this sucked and think you’d have been better off dead and barbequing.

Next week: What you can’t put on your tombstone (profanity is prohibited) and why ACDC’s Highway to Hell is inappropriate at funerals as well as weddings. Actually I have no idea what next week may bring, by then I might be in Hell without any weaponry.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




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