Custom Search




tel:18003484095

banner3

banner3

tel:18003484095


So...You Want Me To Put It...

On The Dash?

August 27, 2015

A Saturday afternoon, twenty years ago, found me heading home from catching a flick at one of Hickory City’s prestigious movie theatres. Cruising along Hwy 127, in my ‘82 Chevy El Camino, I had just crossed the bridge into the little town of Bethlehem when I noticed I’d picked up a black and white tail. Initially, I paid it no mind. That is until a second patrol car fell in line behind the first. Were they following me or was this just a coincidence? Probably just a coincidence, I wasn’t speeding and my plate and stickers were all up to par so there’d be no reason to... A sudden blast of lights and sirens indicated that my “coincidence theory” was probably ill-conceived.

Pulling into a fish restaurant’s parking lot, I put it in park, killed the engine and was reaching across to the glove box to get my license and registration when a loud voice boomed behind me. Officer Friendly instructed me to “Keep your hands where I can see them and please exit the vehicle now!” What the hell? Did he like run up here when we stopped? At least he was being polite but it was early on in the confrontation.

Once outside the vehicle he asked for my license. Umm it’s in the truck… where I just was. He asked why I didn’t have my license on me and didn’t like my explanation that it was my “drivers” license so I kept them in the truck…you know…where I do driving. This earned me a rough and thorough “spread ‘em/ pat down” from Officer Friendly.

During this time a third squad car arrived at the scene of…whatever this was. So I was surrounded by six armed law officers when Officer Friendly asked, quite accusingly, if I would be “objectionable to a vehicular search.” I told him to be my guest, with a smile. You see at that time I basically lived in that El Camino and though the front seat and floorboard were clean and clear the area behind the seats was a different story. The eclectic assortment of debris back there was literally two feet deep. Officer Friendly realized this with a grimace.

In a desire to be helpful I told him there was a garbage bag under the passenger seat for all the paper trash they might find. Don’t want him to get a ticket for littering now, do we? With a scowl and the assistance of two other officers (one held the trash bag) the excavation began. It was like watching a bizarre archeological dig. With each layer removed I was seeing neat stuff I’d forgotten was even in there. It was also kind of cool having uniformed officers clean out my truck.

Several flannel shirts, empty fast-food bags and miscellaneous bric-a-brac later Officer Friendly finally hit pay dirt. Very excited he called the others over to view the last three items lying on the floorboard behind the driver’s seat. They gathered around eagerly and then shared my look of confusion. Officer Friendly proceeded to remove the objects one by one as though he were disarming a bomb. Item No. 1: a Coleman flashlight.

Item No. 2: a Coleman two-man tent.

Item No. 3 (his true prize) he stood with and shook it in my face asking in an accusing tone what it was. “It” was a Coleman camping hatchet. Obviously part of the Coleman camping gear he had just removed. I patiently explained this to him and added that it was “like an axe only smaller”…he seemed a little slow.

Red faced he corrected me in that it was a concealed weapon, and suggested that I might use it on an officer during a random traffic stop. Seriously dude? It took like 30 minutes to dig it out. Ignoring my protests of reality and logic he called for an evidence bag and then proceeded to write out my citation. While he did this I inquired where I should keep a camping hatchet when in transport. He informed me that it should be kept on the dash of the vehicle. OK, so it would be legal and safer to have a 6 lb, 2 foot long axe on my dashboard? What the f***? What if I were in a serious accident? The last thing I want to worry about is, “Where’s the hatchet gonna end up!”

As the incident drew to a close I reluctantly accepted my court date. The only restitution I took away from it was that it seemed the other officers were equally baffled by the entire situation. As it turns out so was the D.A. when I approached him about it the week of my court date. He agreed that the hatchet was obviously for camping and the idea of keeping it on the dash was borderline insane; he would speak to Officer Friendly about the matter. He threw my case out of court but denied the return of my hatchet—it was in police custody.

After this incident I had definitely learned my lesson. To prove this I drove around for the next month with a full sized double-bladed axe laid across the dash…gotta keep it legal ya know.

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

ARCHIVES:

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!

5

Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry

SELF LAMBASTING

Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set

HELL-O-WEEN 4 THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF…AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!

HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages

MOTOSIERRA, SCIE à CHAîNE, ??????, ERRA ELéTRICA, Αλυσοπρ?ονο, CHAINSAW

For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!

Zoo-Illogical

Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!

Distractions

A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending

Life

The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke

THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

BannerEventAd-01.jpg   fanjoylabrenz.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm | focusnews@centurylink.net

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2017 Tucker Productions, Inc.