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Preparing To Alienate Yourself

June 25, 2015

Isn’t it odd that now that everyone carries a camera nobody sights and takes pictures of U.F.O.s anymore? (Not to mention Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster or Leprechauns?) Oh, there are some but for some reason, despite the digital prowess and HD imagery, they’re just as grainy and blurred as those taken in the 60’s. We reference the 60’s because it produced the best photos (in quantity, not quality) of flying saucers and had the highest volume of U.F.O. sightings. Of course during that era people were seeing all sorts of things. Not that there were more flying saucers, just a lot more LSD going around. Or maybe people went outside more and when they did they weren’t staring at their hand and trying to take pictures of themselves.

Drug induced close encounters (and self-obsessed cell phone use) aside is there any merit to belief in other worldly visitors? Hollywood seems to think so and has cashed in on the concept time and time again. Movies based on alien life are quite entertaining but they lack any form of consistency in defining it. There is such a wide diversity and purpose of the aliens in different films. There are the innocent ones that just want to collect plants, eat candy and touch kids with their glowing finger…that sounds rather wrong. Then on, the other end of the spectrum, there are the ones who come across as mindless monsters and just want to kill everything and everybody. Then there those in the middle ground and they are the most ominous of all. These are the more intelligent life-forms and they have arrived with a definitive purpose.

Of all the possible scenarios the last seems the most realistically plausible and terrifying. Let’s be serious. If sweet innocent visitors arrived from out there…we’d kill them. Because humans are stupid and they’d probably land in Deliverance country. “Squeal like a green pig you little space invader!” On the other hand it’s hard to believe that mindless monsters could navigate space and get to us. This leaves superiorly intelligent beings with a sinister agenda.

They’ve been watching us, studying us and maybe even allowing themselves to be seen by us on rare occasi

ons to numb us to their presence. Then, when we least expect it, they’ll come. Most likely it will be an extermination event so they can have our planet and its polluted resources. We’ll become slaves, specimens, little more that la cucarachas. So what do we do?

How do we fight and survive an alien invasion? How the hell should I know…I’m just the zombie guy!

Vampires, werewolves, ghosts, goblins, witches, demons, angels and of course zombies—I gotcha covered, but I DON’T DO ALIENS! Why you ask? Because they freak me out! Scary little bug eyed things…sigh. However, in lieu of the fact that the hot summer months hold the greatest potential for close encounters of the violent kind (i.e., Independence Day) here is my basic game plan for

How to Survive a Full Scale ALIEN INVASION:

When U.F.O.s arrive and hover over major cities (or over anything)—HIDE! When strange visitors land and greet our leaders in peaceful negotiations—HIDE! Because you know that’s just bulls***. When the alien attack begins—HIDE! We pay our military for a reason and killing creepy little humanoid things is a good reason. Once our military has fallen and the invaders begin invading—HIDE! When they come for and take your friends and neighbors away to use for experimentation or food, watch from your hiding place because by now you should already be hidden. Maybe they’ll overlook you. Maybe you can survive and carry on the human race with hot chicks (or dudes, your call). Or maybe…when they come for you—HIDE! And try really hard not to cry or pee yourself. You can squeal like a school girl (or a pig) when they get you but for Gawd’s sake have some dignity. And then…when they are upon you…when there’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide…as they reach towards you with their bony little fingers and you can see you reflection in their big black eyes……………………….

Oh sorry. I passed out from fright. Now where were we? Oh yes­—HIDE! No wait we’re past that part…OK here we go. Shoot them in the head! What? What did you expect from the “zombie guy”?

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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