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Graveside Trivia With Frank

March 26, 2015

It has been such a crazy, hectic week here at the House o’ Saw that I’ve been left with no time to compose a literary symphony for this week’s article. Luckily my friend Frank never has anything to do and volunteered to fill in for me. You probably know Frank better as The Angel of Death or perhaps The Grim Reaper but he and I have been on a first name basis after he’s come to try and claim my soul after death...several times. So without further ado we turn it over to Frank for something right up his dead-end alley: morbid and macabre trivial tidbits.

1. A body decomposes four times as fast in water than on land. This is why you drown your victims instead of burying them alive.

2. A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it is decapitated. But only if you do it quickly. Prolonged decapitation could lead to unconsciousness.

3. A murder is committed in the US every 23 minutes, which makes about 22,852 murders each year. Lot of busy murderers out there.

4. About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year. Why they’re eating ballpoint pens is the real question.

5. Cancer is the second leading cause of death in Orange County, California. Number one is heart disease. The third is because no one wants to live in Orange County.

6. Diabetes is the fourth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for about 180,000 deaths per year. Those who don’t die of diabetes stand a higher risk of pen choking.

7. Each year in the US there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity. Suffocation by being fallen on by a fat people seems a terrible way to go.

8. In 1992, approximately 750 deaths occurred in the United States due to workplace violence. Being a slacker and living in your parents basement seems like a safer route.

9. Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote Nutrition for Health, died of malnutrition. Irony at its finest.

10. In 1845, President Andrew Jackson’s pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.

11. On September 11 1916 in Erwin, Tennessee an elephant was once hanged for murder. Umm, it seems hanging an elephant would be more trouble than what it’s worth. Couldn’t they find a more conventional way to execute a pachyderm?

12. On January 4, 1903 Topsy the elephant was sentenced to execution. She was fed poison, electrocuted, and strangled, with the electrocution part ultimately killing her. Oh...apparently they had tried the conventional approach.

13. When Thomas Edison died in 1941 Henry Ford caught his dying breath in a bottle. Did his breath smell like cooked elephant (check online for that sick inside joke).

14. In 19th century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in “hospitals for the dead” while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction. This was a very trying time for me.

15. In the Spanish Pyrenees, when a beekeeper dies, each of his bees is splashed with a drop of Black Ink. Because there’s apparently nothing to watch on television in the Pyrenees.

16. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously, it can kill you. Wait isn’t that Chainsaw’s dogs name? I hope he doesn’t try to shoot up with a Shih Tzu.

17. On average, people fear spiders more than they do dying. However, statistically you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by the bite of a poisonous spider.

18. On average, right-handed people live 9 years longer than their left-handed counterparts. On the other hand over 2500 left handed people are killed each year from using products made for right handed people.

19. The leading cause of death for children between the ages of 1 and 4 are motor vehicle crashes. Nothing funny there just bad parenting.

20. When a person dies, hearing is generally the last sense to go. The first sense lost is usually sight. Then follows taste, smell, and touch. So if you want to insult them... wait for it.

21. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Thanks for reading hopefully Chainsaw will be back next week. Till then I hope I don’t see you soon.

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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