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A Part Apart

July 30, 2015

My, what a day it has been. You rose early, had a good breakfast, went for a morning run and walked the dog, “Good boy Sparky!” All of this before heading out and arriving on time to your mediocre source of employment. A full eight hours will earn you just enough income to pay the bills and buy dog food, “Are ya hungry boy?” Then it’s home again home again, jiggity jig.

Check the mail—rent’s due. Toss some Hot Pockets in the microwave and grab a bite to eat. Now it’s dishes, laundry and you might want to vacuum the living room, (it’s looking a bit sketchy). Don’t forget to walk ol’ Sparky, “That’s a good boy, want a treat?” Grab a quick shower. Now for a little quality you time; maybe some TV, online gaming or maybe go old school and sit down with a good book. Then comes the inevitable necessity. It’s bedtime, “C’mon Sparks lets hit the sack.”

You set your alarm, climb into bed and turn out the lights. Now comes the most challenging part and important decision of your day…where to put your arm. You’re a side sleeper which means one arm will be under you throughout the night. Arm placement is crucial for sleepy time comfort. Should you stuff it under your pillow, resting your hand against the head board? Bend at the elbow and rest your head on your hands? Maybe lay it behind you so you look like a paused runner in your sleep? Or just hang it over the side and hope for the best?

Thirty minutes later. You’ve tried every possible position and you’re still awake, stupid arm. This battle will continue throughout the night. Until you simply pass out from exhaustion sometime in the wee hours of the morning. And just when you’re finally sleeping good…the alarm goes off…for the third time!?!

You’re up and on the run so no time for a run. Pop tarts are still within the parameters of a “good breakfast” right? No need to walk Sparky. He’s already walked himself. All over the living room floor, “Bad dog!” By the time you’ve cleaned up the mess you’re running late and of course the boss happens to be overly observant and in a foul mood.

Later, alone at the homeless shelter; Sparky abandoned you for an owner with food—“Traitor!” While sitting on your cot cursing your dumb arm, a child approaches. Whose kid? Who knows! Little kids are all over the place. She wants to know if you can fix her toy and stuffs the pieces in your hands with a hopeful, trusting look. You look down to see it is a doll and its arm has popped out of the socket. It’s an easy fix, but then an enlightening realization dawns on you… humans should have detachable body parts! Think of all the problems that could be solved if we the people had the physiological make-up of a Mr. Potato Head…except for the part about keeping extra parts in our butts. Though, that would put a whole new meaning to, “all that junk up in yo trunk.”

This would easily solve the side sleeper arm issue. You could just detach your arm and lay it beside you. Suffering from Restless Leg Syndrome? Not anymore, just pop those suckers off and stick them in the closet. But the benefit of detachable body parts doesn’t end at bedtime. Kids got a runny nose? Literally play “Got your nose” and scrub it out. Got something in your eye? Pop that sucker out and toss it in the sink. Girls could unscrew their breasts for more comfortable jogging. Guys could detach their…guy parts for safer and more comfortable sports play. No more jock straps! While on the subject, it would put an end to infidelity. You and your other half could keep each other’s lower halves… better than a promise ring. Just don’t wear them around your neck.

Of course, despite all the advantages there is the downside…because people suck. Armed robbery would take on a whole new meaning. People could kidnap your body parts and body-nap your kid’s parts. The black market would be plagued with a plethora of pilfered people parts. Fights would be horrific as parts got knocked off, yanked off and/or used as weapons.

Even without the obvious issue with the criminal element, there would still be issues on the domestic front. Think you have trouble losing your keys? Imagine misplacing your fingers. You go to kick your shoes off and sling your foot across the room. Then there’s the dreaded question of who gets who’s what during a divorce? Better have a damn good lawyer.

Hmm, you think as you pop that doll’s arm back into place and send the smiling child away, maybe that’s not such a hot idea after all. We might be better off if we just try to keep it together metaphorically before we attempt it literally.

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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