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And Then...One Year Later...

August 28, 2014

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME-EEEE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOO- MEEEEEE! :-O WHOOT-WHOOT!!!

Alright! That’s enough of that s***! You kids keep it down! Think you’re so young and cool with your stereophonic sound, break dancing while wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs. Now get the f***off my lawn!!!

OK, I’m not quite that old (but seriously—stay out of my yard). Of course if you wanted to torture me you could play some indie rap music or Katy Perry’s Birthday song. Nothing like annoying repetition to celebrate a person’s big day. Not to mention, for Ms. Perry’s part, loads of sexual innuendoes and what sounds like a mid-orgasm b-day wish. Just the kind of thing you’d want blasting out of the stereo at a kid’s party. However we will cut her some slack on this issue. She did attempt to provide an alternative set of lyrics when the copyright to the traditional Happy Birthday song came under fire.

Seriously? You want to scream copyright infringement to the most recognizable tune on the planet? Glad that fell through but on a side note, screw you people for even trying! In my own collection of pressed vinyl there is a copy of the original Happy Birthday medley and it’s played weekly just because it can be. So sue me, nyah!

OK, we’re getting way off track here. Guess we could just call it an early onset of Alzheimer’s and pretend like nothing happened or forget about it if it did...where were we again? Seriously though, as we grow older we joke about it and the potential effects of aging for two main reasons. The first is to make light of our later years and show that we’re still as young as we used to be. The second is because we’re not as young as we used to be and it makes that realization a little less scary.

With each passing year we gain new memories and experiences that continue to define and make us who we are. On the flip-side we come to the understanding that our time for gaining said memories and experiences grows shorter. Sadly we also realize there are some we will never get to have. The reality is that the knowledge gained with age comes with truths and realizations that certain things will forever elude us. Personally, at my current stage in life, here are a few realities I have reluctantly come to accept.

Regardless of what I jump off the roof with I will never fly, though I question the feasibility of our patio umbrellas. I understand that at this point making an attempt could lead to hospitalization and my wife won’t let me try anyway...yes I have asked. I will never own a jet-pack (but if I do I’m heading for the roof) or get super powers.

The U.S. government will never show up at my door needing my assistance. Life is repetitive. I will never be rich, pretty or famous...cute maybe. Dragons, unicorns, bigfoots (bigfeets?) and UFO’s will most likely never grace my eyes...again. Sesame Street is not a real place. You cannot make someone love you. I will never be called to share a grand adventure. Life is repetitive. Sex is not the best thing. Cake is also not the best thing. A good poop may be the best thing...after a good nap....not during. People are getting stupider. I will never own a Delorean. Time-travel isn’t possible. There is no magic left in this world; it’s been replaced with technology. Cereals with marshmallows are like sweetly violent laxatives. People lie a lot. Life is repetitive. Future generations are doomed—I fear for all tots. Most of all I have come to the realization that if the zombie apocalypse doesn’t happen soon I’ll be too old to enjoy it! Wandering the wasteland with my walker in search of Geritol and Depends.

I welcome almost all questions and comments either through FOCUS, or E-mail me directly at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood.

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

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