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During The Zombie Apocalypse

April 17, 2014

Last week we talked about the ups, downs, ins and outs of buying a vehicle. With the main focus on mine own recent acquisition of a 2005 Subaru Baja. The article concluded with this statement, "On a side note the Subaru Baja is voted one of the most applicable and ideal vehicles to have in the event of a Zombie outbreak."

To be honest and to clarify: there is no listing for vehicles that have been voted top in their class for zombie outbreak survival. This statement was made based loosely on the criteria set in the "ON THE RUN": Vehicles section of the Zombie Survival Guide (pages 103 thru 109, respectively) and my own knowledge as a post-apocalyptic, undead outbreak survivalist. The Baja makes the grade because it has small car fuel consumption, a truck’s ability to haul and the all wheel drive function of an SUV. So if such a list does exist it would be on it. Then again if there is such a list it would be bulls***.

Despite the fact that some vehicles would be far superior to others during a crisis; availability, fuel ratio and an individual’s driving skills weigh heavily on which would actually be “the best.”

For example: a single mother of two small children might be safer in an armored car but would fare better when fleeing an infested area in her own minivan. Unless of course she happens to be an armored car driver pre-apocalypse... are there places for car seats in armored cars?

The fact of the matter is when the undead s*** hits the fan, survivors will have their pick of vehicles. It’s safe to assume that grand theft auto (the crime, not the game) will be the least of anyone’s worries. Still it comes back to availability, fuel and your driving skills. So if you’re driving a POSC now you may very well be running down zombies with it tomorrow.

It would be nice to live in a world where not only could we all afford a spare vehicle but one that could be pre-modified specifically for undead world conditions. Sadly most of us don’t and it wouldn’t be that practical anyway. The depressing reality is that the modifications required to make a vehicle “zombie ready” would make them “pre-zombie” illegal. Oh, you would have a nice big conversation piece in your garage but on the road you’re looking at multiple fines and safety violations. If not, then you didn’t know what you were doing.

However there is hope, because most likely you can afford a bicycle (OK, I just felt your excitement level bottom out). Not only is a bicycle apocalypse-ready with zero modifications, it is also the ZSG’s top rated mode of transport. Fuel efficient (depending on your health), all terrain, lightweight and silent. Of course it you’re looking for something a little less physical the guide suggests a motorcycle (specifically a dirt bike). What it lacks in protection it more than makes up for in speed and maneuverability. Also they can be pushed for stealthy travel or lack of fuel. Personally I prefer the best of both worlds.

Despite the lack of understanding about my excitement (by friends and family) I was thrilled to obtain my perfect alternative mode of post-apocalyptic transport: a 1988 Sachs Taxi-Luxe Moped...stop laughing. This thing combines the mobility and maneuverability of a motorcycle with the versatility of a bike. Though it lacks the speed of a motorcycle, topping out at 32 m.p.h. (again, stop laughing) it’s quieter, gets better m.p.g. and can be pedaled like a bicycle if there’s lack of fuel or a need for silence. In addition it has seat storage for gear or ammo and a rack on back perfect for additional fuel...damn it, stop laughing. OK, fine, laugh but the truth is I lack the hand/foot coordination to drive a cycle and being a smoker the bicycle thing would probably suck. At least I’m aware of my limitations and capabilities rather than basing my skills on video game scores or how many episodes of The Walking Dead I’ve seen.

Next week: How many episodes of The Walking Dead I’ve seen. Not really, because I don’t plan that far ahead. Who knows, by then the undead could rise and I’ll be on my friggin’ Moped!

I welcome almost all questions and comments either through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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