He said, She said

July 29, 2010

Ladies, men are different than women. Who knew? Okay, that wasn’t exactly a news flash but we’ve been suspecting it for years. And apparently it’s true. For instance, men usually have more body hair (even when it slides off the back of their head), tend to have slightly stronger muscles and they always seem to need more deodorant. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today.

Nope, today we are here to discuss the ‘language’ of love. Yes, we’re here to talk about the things men say when they don’t say what they mean, or mean what they say. Wait a minute… never mind. On the other hand, women always say what they mean and communicate it very effectively I might add. Hey, I’m kidding. Not trying to start a war. Let’s move along, shall we?

First, if you’re not currently in a relationship then you probably already know about cheesy pickup lines; although I did hear a good one once. He said, “What do you mean when you look at me like that?” (Except… it doesn’t look as good typed as it sounded; must have been in the delivery.) At any rate, let’s flash forward and assume you are in a nurturing, happily-compatible relationship. (Uh… it’s better if you play along.)

Now, for the sake of comparison and to prove women mean what they say, here’s an example. When a woman says, “Honey, I need a massage.” She means she would just about kill for a 45 minute foot, back or body massage. However, when a man says, “How about a massage love muffin?” What he really means is… he’ll rub your shoulders for all of 10.2 seconds (which men consider foreplay), because at precisely 10.3 seconds it’s full steam ahead to the heavy breathing stuff. Lesson: if you really want a massage go to the spa.

Okay, let’s say you’re in a relationship you feel is going… well… it’s going. Suddenly, your handsome hunk of maleness says he “wants more freedom.” Now, before you get carried away and unhandcuff him from the bedpost (because I can just about guarantee that wasn’t what he was talking about) you’d better discuss it with him first.

Word of caution: you probably can’t decipher any explanation he offers. Because, quite honestly ladies, he doesn’t know himself. And therein lies the problem. So what DOES he mean? Well, I have it on good authority that men are looking for certain qualities in women, just as we look for in men… then end up settling. Um… yeah, we’ll talk about that later.

At any rate, my source tells me that men are always on the lookout for a ‘cool girl’ which is like women saying a ‘nice guy.’ And this ‘cool girl’ has it all, personality, looks, sense of humor, fun-loving, does windows and is willing to wait on him hand and foot when he whines after dropping a wrench on his big toe. There you have it! The secret to keeping a good man is not really a secret.

What does this mean to you? Simply put, it means you need to have your game on. Besides, women are attracted to men who have their act together too. Or a Jaguar, Country Club membership and is fully trained in total body massage. (Oops, that’s me.)

Anyway, don’t bother to try to analyze him any further. Since men sometimes operate in the realm of ‘superficial,’ analyzing doesn’t work on most.

Oh, and before I forget, my source also said don’t try to ‘fix’ him, he’s not broken… he’s a man. But if all else fails, you’ll have no other recourse than to keep him handcuffed until he comes to his senses. Be patient, it could take a while.

Can you imagine...a massage love muffin? Smiling doesn’t require handcuffs.

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