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Monster Fantasy

October 20, 2016

As Halloween approaches have you ever, even for a split second, entertained a monster fantasy? Don’t be shy, you can tell me. Come on, who am I going to tell? Besides, it’s not like I’d write about it or anything. (Wink, wink) Okay, okay! How about if I make a deal with you…I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. Ahhhh, so you do have a monster fantasy. Let me guess…wait, keep reading and we’ll talk later.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, since monster genres are grotesquely slanted toward testosterone types, it positively presents women a Pandora’s Box convulsing with malevolent monstrosities from which to choose. Meanwhile, horror isn’t exclusively a gentlemen’s only club. Dracula’s daughter, for instance, shrilled with callous amusement as movie goers locked their doors and windows after she materialized in 1936. Still lively at 500+ years old and able to levitate over her cryptic coffin, a cold-blooded fantasy with her wouldn’t exactly be grave robbing.

Sadly, daddy’s little ghoul is not as recollected as the timeless cackle uttered three short years later…“Help me, I’m melting.” Later modified into “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” by marketing gurus; forcing the Wicked Witch of the West to exhaust her spellbinding virtuosities by staging a comeback which fell as flat as her East Witch sister. Thus, desperately destitute she is currently available for fantasies, birthday parties, and circling over naughty children on her broomstick.

Other femme fatales sharpening their tantalizing talons in preparation for the embryonic masquerade mania include Queen Akasha, the seductive vampiress. Although not a direct descendant of the Count, after one night you’re dammed if you do or dammed if you don’t. Mercifully, the Bride of Chucky and the Bride of Frankenstein are taken. Normally monsters mate for life. Let’s face it where are they going to find another them. Unless, you’re fuzzy, too adorable for words and multiply when wet.

Fundamentally speaking, gents, you have a plethora of frightfully fabulous females to fantasize about. However, terror could ensue if I overlooked the delightfully demure dame selection: Morticia, Lilly, and most fiend’s flavor, Elvira. A trick or treat for those among us afraid to slumber in the dark.

Regardless friends, if you’re a fright flick fanatic or not, bare bones minimum everyone is familiar with the classics: Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman and Bigfoot. Actually, the debate is ongoing as to whether Bigfoot exists. By juxtaposition however, the hideous behemoth that cloaks itself beneath your bed is terrifyingly real. Jus’ sayin’.

Dickens, time to reveal my personal preference of spine-tingling perfection…Dracula! At the mention of his name trickling from my lips my heart flutters like a thousand bat wings at dusk. Tall, dark and handsome my Drac-heart is ultra-sexily attired in blackest midnight from his widow’s peak to his Italian cowboy boots. Yes, my fantasy Count is a southern gentleman who never gives me the cold shoulder. Bewitchingly carnal ‘tis the man who willfully mesmerizes with a piercing gaze while murmuring “I’ll love you forever” in an intoxicating embrace…my, it’s getting warm in here. Besides, what woman doesn’t love a man who nibbles on her neck?

However, if you’re into seepage there’s Brundlefly. Nothing says monster mayhem like body parts falling off with gooey panache. Whatever your terrorizing taste might be: strong and silent, furry and fanged or big and bouldered, there’s a brute to awaken even the most reluctant palate. In fact, after disclosing my imaginary crush to my (sans sci-fi) bestie, Gina admitted her secret monster fantasy would involve Herman Munster. Simply because she likes broad shoulders and…it’s the only monster she knows!

Can you imagine…even entertaining the thought?

Smile, it’s real!



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