Kinemortophobia — (from the Greek kine, meaning “motion,” and morto, meaning “dead”): is the fear of zombies. Most commonly caused by watching films where zombies are portrayed. It is a common phobia.

And with that bit of distracting foreshadowing aside, a hearty HAPPY NEW YEAR to regular readers, irregular readers (see a doctor), random readers and fellow survivors. We’ve managed to persevere! And make it through one of the worst years in recent recorded human history.

But have no delusions my friends in the ball dropping on 2020 as being nothing more than a faux finish-line. The only thing that’s going to change is the last 2 digits when you write the date. Other than that it’s the same s***, different year.

So we can keep casting a backwards thumb, laying blame on an intangible time span (poor 2020). Or we can pointy-finger ahead to improving the future. We can’t exactly change the world but we can resolve to better ourselves, in turn making it a better place. How you may ask? Why, by making New Year’s resolutions, of course!

Oh but Mr. Chainsaw, lying to ourselves… err, keeping resolutions is hard. And we just came through a bad year (stop thumbing). We just can’t take any more disappointing failures.

Point taken and finger pointed. To boost your moral, what follows is a list of resolutions you can’t help but keep. Hopefully you will find some confidence and humor for this year with…

CHAINSAW’S 21 EASY TO
RESOLVE RESOLUTIONS

1. Resolve to breathe. Look you’re doing it right now! It’s almost involuntary…well actually, it is. Still this is one resolution you can’t help but keep…unless you are dead. In which case, thank you for your continued patronage in the afterlife.

2. Resolve to work out. Didn’t say what you were going to “work out” but surely by year’s end you’ll have worked something out.

3. Resolve to finish this sentence. See that was easy!

4. Resolve to learn to read and read more. Well, look at you, getting the jump on that one — reading already. And now you’ve read 17 more words than you had when you resolved to do so! That makes 30 so — Keep up the good work!

5. Resolve to change something in your life! You can start with your underwear and socks and go from there.

6. Resolve to buy something brand new. You can easily accomplish this next time you go to the grocery. Unless you’re eating recycled foods…think about that ((shudders)).

7. Resolve to give someone a random compliment, “Mr. Chainsaw, what an entertaining article this week and so well written!” Done, and thank you!

8. Resolve to learn the phobia term for fear of the undead. And you nailed that one at the beginning of the article.

9. Resolve not to learn a foreign language. Just think positive that you won’t learn a second language. Before you know it, you won’t have.

10. Resolve to finish reading this article. C’mon you can do it, you’re already halfway there. Not to mention the fact that you have the rest of the year to complete it. That’s like less than a word a day!

11. Resolve not to become a victim of an attempted political assassination.

12. Resolve to not start wild fires. Keep them calm with candy or snacks. Only you…

13. Resolve not to take candy from strangers…unless there’s a fire. Only you and a stranger…

14. Resolve to have better patients. Not a typo, this one applies to medical personages because patients getting better is your job.

15. Resolve to not be abducted by aliens.

16. Resolve that if you are abducted, to steal some cool s*** from their ship.

17. Resolve to only make necessary mistakes.

18. Resolve to look at least one way when crossing a one-way street. Straight ahead is a way.

19. Resolve not to endanger any species…unless they have it coming.

20. Resolve to use the bathroom. No need to actually live your reputation.

21. Resolve to spend more time with yourself. Seriously, you’re like right there with you. Grab a bite to eat or maybe just read this together.

Bonus resolution: As for myself — I sincerely hope you resolve to tune in each week and see what I resolve to write…at least till the end of the year.


I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com.

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.